hello "peace", nice to meet you

I have a bit of a split personality. I think that if you asked many of the people who know me well to list some descriptive words for me that what you would first hear are words like, "creative", "kind", "wise", and then they would maybe use a word like, "mellow", "peaceful", "chill". But, really, in actuality I have historically been one of the least peaceful people that I know. I am a planner. I am the one with the Plan A, Plan B and Plan C all mapped out and ready to go. I am the mom with the diaper bag at all times. I have a hard time sitting still in my own home. I am drawn to do dishes, to start a load of laundry, to sweep up the leaves on the patio that are being tracked into the house on little feet, to "quickly" re-paint every frame in my house a new color, or to "quickly" sew a new duvet real fast, etc. (You can imagine the look on my husband's face when he wanders into the garage and sees me laying all the frames onto the floor. At 11 PM.) This is me.

I sometimes feel my heart racing and don't really know why. It takes me a very long time to fall asleep at night because my mind is racing with thoughts, plans, worries, notes to self. I have almost abandoned the idea of "napping" entirely because it takes me so long to fall asleep. If I am able to dose off during my kids' naps/resting time, it will most likely be at the tale end of their resting time and I will be awakened very near to the first moment I actually drift off. This is me.

The split personality, though, is that I actually am a pretty chill person. I enjoy leisurely conversations. I love long, lazy days at the beach. I adore curling up with a good book and losing myself in the pages of the narrative. I speak with a soft voice and have a pretty long fuse of grace. I probably look kind of peaceful from the outside. It is inside that I am racing at the speed of light. A dear friend of mine who has a similar personality describes herself as a duck who appears to be gliding peacefully across the water, but under the water the duck is paddling its legs frantically to move through the water. It is my soul that is the least peaceful part about me.

Kind of sad, right? Here is the good news. Awareness. I am becoming aware and I am seeing what I am missing. This journey called life that I am on is taking me through some terrain that is forcing me to beckon peace to the very doorstep of my soul. And, it is so very good to meet this thing called peace. I am learning to choose to sit still instead of busily working out my plan A's through K's. [Most often, even after all that strategizing and planning, an entirely different thing will work itself out and all the time and energy I spent on the planning just floats away.] I am learning that FOR ME, having peace is connected to gratitude. If I can sit back and begin to think of how God is providing for me daily (in huge ways and tiny ways), then I remember WHO He is ...

Faithful

Provider

Loving

Wisdom

Healer

Miracle worker

Maker of the heavens and the earth

And, I am able to trust who He is and all that He promises. That takes away my motivation to figure it all out for myself.

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." -John 14:27

His peace has been given. I picture this tangible thing that Jesus left for me! Like someone leaving a home that they visited with a parting gift. Like how we leave yummy kitchen candles for our friends; Jesus leaves some peace.

"Here you go. Thanks for all the hospitality. Here is My peace."

And, not just "peace", but "MY PEACE". The peace of the Lord Jesus Christ Himself. The peace that allowed Him to put up with the disciples who just did not "get it" over and over again! The peace that allowed Him to sleep amidst the crazy storms on the boat, while His disciples were shrieking like little girls in the dark! The peace that allowed Him to proceed down the path towards death and painful crucifixion, even though it was not what He wanted. The peace that comes from knowing the Father and angels by name!

... His Peace ...

... is mine ...

He commands me in that verse to not let my heart be troubled.

Easier said than done, especially in the mind of Ali Bray. But, okay. I won't. Thank you for sharing your peace with me, Jesus. If I had to choose the parting gift myself, that would perhaps not be the choice I would make. I could see me leaving Love, or Joy, or Grace. But, I want to be calm in the storms, and able to walk willingly into the biggest and most painful trial I could ever face. I want to trust You so much that I just know that each step that I take will be met by the place in the road that you have prepared for me. Even the pot holes.

Help my unbelief.

Philippians 4:4-9 says:

Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

- I love that it is the peace that comes from praying and practicing this gratitude that guards our hearts and minds!

-My part is clear : to pray and petition with thanksgiving. For it is when I am thankful, and when I begin to remember all that You have done on my behalf and in Your word {You are the same yesterday, today and forever} that I can trust You with my whole heart. I can then petition and pray in view of your mercy and power, knowing that You will lead me each step of the way.

It will take me a lifetime to get this down. But, it is already shaping my soul.

I am thankful.

Hello. And welcome.

My name is Ali. I have two beautiful children - my miracles. I have a pretty fabulous husband - we started out as friends (the best way to start, in my opinion), and then became college sweethearts. He is a musician, and our home is blessed to have him often in the background singing & creating melodies. It seems to be rubbing off on the kids - a good thing, indeed.

Here is a throw back photo to sweet days that seem like they were JUST HERE.  Like yesterday!

I have experienced seasons of being a stay at home mom, working from home mom, full-time working mom, and part-time working mom.  No matter the title, it is all a whole lot of work.

I started in the world of blogging pretty much by accident (long story) with  another site that was a fun a collaboration with some pretty amazing mamas.

I am most myself when I have a chance to exercise both my body and my creative energy.

Things I love:

the title "mama" the sound of laughter beauty in nature long walks

      my sister coffee cooking freshly baked bread interior design Jesus

      vacation time with my family Deep Creek Lake, Maryland time with friends

reading to my children healthy food organic going slowly

stopping to smell the flowers trees sand between my toes running

the smell of rain time with God the sound of rain on a tin roof

creating new things out of old things the color torquoise anthropologie

reading naps movies sunny days picnics my brother

most things vintage Europe farms wide open spaces

starry nights my parents photography chocolate writing

leaning into life my apron my vintage wedding ring

the color green the gratitude revolution that is shaping my life      shalom  

Why I first named this blog "leaning in and looking up"?

I started this blog when we were going through a pretty tough season. We were hit incredibly hard by the economy, and it literally felt like I was being stripped of so much of what had been my daily life. So much was out of my control and I felt really anxious about where we were at, and even more so, about the future. What I knew was that what was in my control was how I responded. I had a choice in how I would respond - I could move forward with fear, anxiety, and bitterness, or I could lean into what I knew to be true - that God has always provided for me every step of my life. I began to pray for "daily bread" - emotional, physical, spiritual daily bread. I also began to fight to dwell on everything I had to be grateful for. It had to be a conscious decision - a choice to dwell on the lovely in every moment. Yes, we were losing our home. Yes, I was selling my furniture to come up with my first month's rent for a house that would be 1/2 the size of what we were in. BUT, when I looked up and took in my surroundings I saw two beautiful, amazing children who were healthy. I saw my husband, my best friend, and I knew that together, the four of us were home no matter where we slept at night.

Choosing gratitude has revolutionized my life. I cannot tell you the peace that I began to feel in that season - peace that was unexplainable. I had mind like water - each pebble life threw into my mind's pond, would splash, and then send out it's slow ripples, but then my pond would settle back again into a peaceful stillness.

Looking up - whether it was at my gorgeous children, or up at the sky, trees, flowers, waves crashing, or a sunset - allowed me to remind my head and heart of the power and creativity of God. If I want to trust God with my tomorrow then I know that I need to remind myself why He is trustworthy. If I can remind myself of who He is - then there is very little wondering left as to whether He can handle what is happening in my life now.

I continue to choose gratitude ...

It is my hope that I will lean fully into every season of life I am blessed to enjoy.

It is my hope that in the times of sorrow or anxiety, I will lean into the peace and hope that God faithfully promises me.

It is my hope that in times of joy and abundance, I will lean fully into gratitude and thankfulness.

If ever I doubt that my whole world rests in His hands, I simply have to pause & look up - I will see the sky, the branches and leaves, and most compelling in my world - the faces of my two beautiful children that are miraculous evidence of God's power to create beauty from ashes.

This is where I will share my story in my pursuit of peace.  Shalom is where I am camping for now. I will ramble. I will dream. I will cry, and I will laugh.  Hopefully the refrain that will weave its way through all of it will be gratitude.