Lent in Everyday Language: God Save Us

I am journey with my friend Amy through Lent and she provides daily questions as prompts for digging a bit deeper. Today I am processing this post.

Here are the questions Amy poses for reflection on the past 24 hours.

1. Where do you notice God saving you today?

2. Where do you need God to save you today?

Where do you notice God saving you today?

Yesterday I had the privilege of getting to listen to a beautiful woman share her heart with a group of women who are all a part of discipleship groups. Anne Ortlund is an author and truly amazing woman. She is older and has lived a lot of life. She and her husband Ray (who has passed on) started small discipleship groups years ago as they realized that they would never be able to make a very big impact on their church community one person at a time. This woman has taken in groups of 4-5 women every year and discipled them from September to June. To date she has done this with over 200 women. Her goal is to bring these women along and then release them to do the same. How simple and how utterly powerful. So, now I am in a group that is led by one of the gals that she mentored a few years ago. I sat with about 20 other women yesterday and we got to hear Anne share her heart. She shared so many morsels of wisdom with us. But, the moment where I felt God saving me was as Anne begin to challenge us to serve others in this same way. To step forward in a slow and steady way with our time, talents and resources. To view our lives as a march from San Diego to Maine and to cover 20 miles, 20 miles, 20 miles. To daily cover 20 miles and to do this in our service too. It was a deep soul confirmation for me. Just the night before I sat with my husband and shared my anxiety over the future. We know the direction God is leading us. It is to launch a missional church in our community. We have seen that God is working and that we are called to step out and lead small groups of people on a faith journey as we love our neighbors and are present. We know that is the direction we are being called. But, there are so many areas of ambiguity between here and there. How to start? What steps to take? The voices that taunt and tell us that we are not capable. How do we provide for our family as we take these steps?

I had a big moment of doubt as the ambiguity of all these details made me want to just shut the door and stop pressing forward.

God's saving grace to me was that He reiterated His heart for people to be taken on a journey by NORMAL people (not necessarily the best teachers or leading pastors of our generation) and that He would lead us 20 miles at a time. At the very end of Anne's talk she looked at the room and said, "God is moving here. He is going to bring revival to this neighborhood. He is going to use this community to impact Orange County and our nation. He is working." The bubble of excitement in her voice and the confirmation of her feeling what the Spirit is speaking to our hearts as well. God's grace to me. And I could see it written on the other women's faces too - we have tasted and seen that God is working and is doing something.

Where do you need God to save you today?

I need His voice to guide me on the path that He has layed out for me and my family. I can get caught up in a week from now and lose sight of today.

I need Him to show me that this verse is truth:

"Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." - Psalm 119:105

That as I walk my 20 miles, 20 miles, 20 miles - that He will show me what path to take step by step. Even the 20 miles that lay out ahead are too far for me to see. I need to feel Him whispering guidance in each step.

Lent in Everyday Language

I have never really practiced Lent. I have engaged it on the level where I have given something up like sugar or chocolate or sweets. But, I have never really taken the time to explore what this tradition means on a deep level and taken the time to practice it.

As a nearly life-long Christian, I find myself in a season where I am trying to see aspects of my faith through new eyes. Perhaps it is the season of life that is stretching me beyond myself so I look for new tools that the disciples of Christ have utilized for years in their soul formation.

What I love about my learnings about this tradition called Lent is that it meets me right where I am. In need of a Savior every single day, in every single moment.

My friend Amy is embarking on a journey over on her blog called Soul Simple to explore "Lent in Everyday Language" and has a new post each day where she offers two questions to process and she beautifully shares her own processing. I love that lent is this opportunity to pause and lean a little closer to being formed in Christ's image. I have been exploring a lot of Genesis and love hearing about God creating man and woman in His image. I feel like the rest of the bible centers around God pursuing us in order to make us into His image again. Sending Jesus so that we can be reconciled and made into His image (holy and blameless). I am leaning into this aspect of formation. If you are interested in taking this journey, you can start today - on Day 6. No need to panic and try to catch up. Just start right where you are. I am.

My very simple understanding of Lent is that it is the act of preparing the heart for Easter. Historically, this has taken shape in a form of sacrificing. You hear people saying what they are "giving up for Lent" and it is about sacrificing something so that we can become more like Christ and how He sacrificed His life for us. But for me there is another layer - I am viewing it not solely about forfeiting, but also about formation. It feels like an invitation to step further into being formed in Christ's image. Ann Voskamp wrote that "it is to be dispossessed of the possessions that possess - in order to be possessed by God." To empty the soul in order to know the filling of God.

So, maybe it is not about possessions like stuff (although it could be). Maybe it is more about our way of being and the thoughts, actions, emotions and routines that fill us with the opposite of WHO God is (His image).

If I know that the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control) are the fruit of being connected to God and are reflections of who He is, then I think I should be able to look at my life and see what the opposites of those attributes are that are on display in my life. That would be the area where I need more image forming.

If lent is about my emptying my soul of my own stuff in order to know the filling of God - well, then, "To the brim!" is what my soul cries out. I want to be filled to overflowing with His love and joy and peace. I can see where I need to make room for Him. Do some soul house keeping.

But, it is so hard. So hard to empty myself of my love of me and the habits that shape me into me. Hard to wake up early to find quiet time. Hard to give up that "down time" of senseless media that makes it so easy to check out in the times when I need to check in. Even those twisted sisters: fear and worry - they beckon my soul to snuggle up with a blanket of self-pity.

Isn't it true that Lent and our quest to sacrifice and "work out our salvation" will reveal how truly broken and useless we are. It is like asking for a flashlight to shine on our failures and flailing, because I will fail in this attempt! How incapable I am of walking a road of sacrifice like Jesus. Maybe one of the gifts of Lent is realizing, yet again, how in need of a Savior I am. I could work with every fiber of my being to do this perfectly, and I would fail. I need a Savior. I can see clearly that even my best attempts will result in failure. I see Jesus with a new found awe in His perfection and the gift of grace that He extends to me.

These were Ann Voskamp's words that say it so well: "Lent gives me this gift: the deeper I know the pit of my sin, the deeper I'll drink the draughts of Joy."

Doesn't Jesus say that with different words when He says, "He who is forgiven much loves much."

I found this quote on Ann Voskamp's blog. It is by Walter Wangerin, on the subject of why we celebrate Lent when it may not fall into our denominational traditions:

"But in the economy of God, what seems the end is but a preparation... The disciles approached the resurrection from their bereavement. For them the death was first, and the death was all. Easter, then was an explosion of newness, a marvelous slitting of heaven indeed.

But for us, who return backward into the past, the Resurrection comes first, and through it we view a death with is, therefore, less consuming, less horrible, even less readl.

We miss the disciples terrible, wonderful preparation.

Unless, as now we attend to the suffering first, to the cross with sincerest pity and vigilant love, to the dying with most faithful care - and thus prepare for joy."

Yes, Jesus rose and defeated death and that is central to my faith. I am risen with Christ and there is no part of my salvation that I can boast in because it is all gift. That is made clearer to me even as I attempt to hone areas of my life and fall short time and again. I don't deserve salvation based on anything I have done. I fall short. It's all grace.

I do not want to miss the gravity of His death, or my need for His death, as I walk in a "Christ is risen" joy parade. Even the elements of communion, the bread and wine, symbolize this sacrifice and Jesus encouraged us to do it in remembrance of Him. I feel like my kids get this a little better than I do. It never fails that as we read the story of Jesus' death in their Jesus Storybook Bible that they will be moved to tears. They feel that moment of Jesus dying and the pain and sorrow that live in that moment. And I often find myself very quickly saying, "Don't be sad, guys! Jesus rises again! He doesn't stay dead!" But, they get it right. He died. He endured a lot of pain. For me. And, that should be felt deeply because if I don't feel that deeply, then I don't really get the sacrifice of it.

So - this season of practicing Lent, for me, is about walking toward Easter with a heart that is bent toward knowing how very much I need this Savior. It is about slowing down so I can see where God is forming me in His image. It's about having eyes to see where I am full of me and doing the work to empty that out to clear space for Him. It is about seeing every day that I need a Savior!

I loved how timely my reading from Jesus Calling was the other day.

"... Your awareness of your constant need of Me is your greatest strength. Your neediness, properly handles, is a link to My Presence. However, there are pitfalls that you must beon guard against: Self-pity, self-preoccupation, giving up. Your inadequacy presents you with a continual choice - deep dependence on Me, or despair. The emptiness you feel within will be filled either with problems or with My Presence. Make me central in your consciousness by praying continually: simple, short prayers flowing out of the present moment. Use My Name liberally, to remind you of My Presence. Keep on asking and you will receive, so that your gladness may be full and complete."

I hope that you will join me and Amy in this journey. Here is to living with an awareness of how much He loves us and how much we need Him.

My Daily Allowance

[photo: Andrea Luna Reece]

One of my morsels of daily encouragement is the "Morning & Evening" writings from Charles Spurgeon. I get them in my daily reading plan through my Bible app on my iPhone. Today's was particularly fitting.

"And his allowance was a continual allowance given him of the king, a daily rate for every day, all the days of his life." -2 Kings 25:30 Jehoiachin was not sent away from the king's palace with a store to last him for months, but his provision was given him as a daily pension. Herein he well pictures the happy position of all the Lord's people. A daily portion is all that a man really wants. We do not need tomorrow's supplies; that day has not yet dawned, and its wants are as yet unborn. The thirst which we may suffer in the month of June does not need to be quenched in February, for we do not feel it yet; if we have enough for each day as the days arrive we shall never know want. Sufficient for the day is all that we can enjoy. We cannot eat or drink or wear more than the day's supply of food and raiment; the surplus gives us the care of storing it, and the anxiety of watching against a thief. One staff aids a traveller, but a bundle of staves is a heavy burden. Enough is not only as good as a feast, but is all that the greatest glutton can truly enjoy. This is all that we should expect; a craving for more than this is ungrateful. When our Father does not give us more, we should be content with his daily allowance. Jehoiachin's case is ours, we have a sure portion, a portion given us of the king, a gracious portion, and a perpetual portion. Here is surely ground for thankfulness. Beloved Christian reader, in matters of grace you need a daily supply. You have no store of strength. Day by day must you seek help from above. It is a very sweet assurance that a daily portion is provided for you. In the word, through the ministry, by meditation, in prayer, and waiting upon God you shall receive renewed strength. In Jesus all needful things are laid up for you. Then enjoy your continual allowance. Never go hungry while the daily bread of grace is on the table of mercy.

These words penetrate deep.

"A daily portion is all that a man (woman) really wants. We do not need tomorrow's supplies; that day has not yet dawned, and its wants are as yet unborn. The thirst which we may suffer in the month of June does not need to be quenched in February, for we do not feel it yet"

How many of my moments of worry are connected to my thoughts of tomorrow and the worries that tomorrow stirs in me. How often have I worried over the thirst that I would have in June while living in the month of February? For it is right now literally February, and I can feel my heart beating quickly if I start to think of June. But, it is February. This may be the secret that our children live - they are living today. This moment. And the reality is that the older we get the more we know of storms that lurk and that the winds can change and this causes worry because we know that there are variables that could change things. But, we have no control over those variables, so why give thought to them?

June may indeed be a scorching month with sun beating down heavily and we may indeed be quite thirsty, but I will face that heat when it is directly over head. Today - today is the day that I am walking in and I want to be all in on THIS DAY.

"...if we have enough for each day as the days arrive we shall never know want. Sufficient for the day is all we can enjoy. We cannot eat or drink or wear more than the day's supply of food and raiment; the surplus gives us the care of storing it, and the anxiety of watching against a thief..."

I think of that moment with Jesus and the crowd of people gathered around him (in Matthew). He can see the worry etched on their faces. My face is there in the crowd too. What if we don't have enough food? What if we don't have enough money? What if his company fails? What if...

And Jesus, this Jesus, looks at them and His heart is filled with love for them. For me. He sees them as sheep that do not have a shepherd to take care of them. The job of the sheep is just to follow the shepherd to the good pasture, and the safe places and the water. These people looked like lost sheep. So, Jesus shepherds them by painting a picture with words. The people sat on the mountainside and looked out at the glittering lake and took in the surroundings.

He points to the birds. Everyone looks to see the birds pecking the ground and eating the seeds that lay in bounty for them. Jesus points out that the birds do not worry or store up seed for tomorrow. They know that there will be seed tomorrow because God takes care of them.

"God knows what they need and He feeds them."

Then He points to the wildflowers. Picture the wildflowers growing around you on a grassy hill. Where do these flowers buy their lovely clothes? Do they make them? Do they work every day so that they can buy them? I can hear that laughter in Jesus' voice as He points out the absurdity of this concept. No - these flowers are clothed by God and not even a king could dress as well as these little gems.

Jesus declares it loud and clear - YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAT BIRDS! MORE IMPORTANT THAN FLOWERS! They don't sit and worry about things. And God doesn't want His children to worry either. Your Father in heaven knows what you need.

Sufficient for the day is all we can enjoy.

What has God given me today. For that I am grateful. I am expectant for what He will give me tomorrow. To so many, even to myself as I write this, this is naive. Right? Aren't we supposed to work to prepare for tomorrow. Store up? Retirement, college fund, vacation fund, rainy day fund? Don't get me wrong - there is wisdom in stewarding our resources. But, where the worries begin and the furrowed brow and the anxiety over the what if's begin - it goes against everything God is teaching us through all of scripture. He says He provides. He says one of His names is "Jehovah jireh" - the Lord will provide. He has even provided His son that we would be free from the debt of our sin. How can I trust God for this massive gift of redemption and not trust for little details like food or money? What if the simplicity of enjoying what is before us today - today's bread, today's clothes, today's children, today's husband - what if we could be sheep today and just follow the path that the Shepherd is leading us on. The sheep do not worry about whether they are on the right path, or whether this grass will be there tomorrow. For the shepherd will scoop them up and place them in the right spot if they get off the path. He has that shepherd's staff that he will gently use to push them back into the right place.

What this season is teaching me is that at the end of me, I can only rely on God. I tell Him all day long. "God, you say you will provide. I trust You to provide. You say you will give wisdom. I trust You for wisdom. You say that You leave Your peace. Bring Your peace. You say You are the GOOD SHEPHERD. Be my Shepherd. Lead me to the still waters and good pasture. You say you will."

How gracious He will be when you cry for help! As soon as He hears, He will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden from you no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." - Isaiah 30:19-21

More than anything, my soul wants to hear the voice of my Shepherd, gently whispering, "This is the way; walk in it."

My 2012 Manifesto

[source: In My Bucket]

A few years ago, a dear friend of mine and I endeavored to launch a new blog called "Mama Manifesto". Our hope was that it would be a place for moms to feel connected and not alone in their motherhood journeys. Motherhood had not come easily to either of us, and it had also not been the easiest transition for either of us. We recognized how encouraging it was to say that out loud. So, we dreamt up this space that would hopefully create a safe place for mamas to gather and draw inspiration in a nap-sized moment. That is still our hope.

But, one of the things that we wanted to do for ourselves and others, was encourage a "proactive" way of parenting. That we would not just get caught up in the frustrating cycle of reactive parenting. You know the drill ... the kids are addicted to sugar so they whine for sugar and we cave by giving them sugar, but we truly, truly, truly desire to raise healthy kids who eat well and are nurtured in their bodies. Or, we have a huge desire for our kids to be creative and to live a childhood that is inspired and full of imagination and adventures, but we cannot break the cycle of screen time obsession as we rotate from tv to iPhone to computer to DS to wii to XBox...

That is a very tangible example of reactive parenting. The deeper one is that we have these deep desires of who we want to be as women. To our husbands, to our families and maybe even to our neighbors. We know who we WANT to be, and maybe even WHO WE WERE CREATED TO BE. We just are not living that out. I remember working before I had kids and having to sit down in multiple jobs and create a "vision statement" for myself or for the company. We kind of need something like this to keep our actions in line with our desires.

So, what is your manifesto for 2012? Who do you want to be to your husband, to your kids, to God, to your neighbors, to your co-workers, to the blogging community? I sat down tonight and in a very stream of consciousness way wrote out my manifesto for 2012. My hope is that as I check back in, that I can identify how my actions need to shift in order to reach these goals.

I will share it with you. It comes from my heart. And, I would love to read yours. Would you share it with me?

My Manifesto | 2012

I am passionate about knowing my Father.

Hearing His voice and walking in tune with His Spirit are the desires of my heart.

I endeavor to learn to be still and know that He is God.

I endeavor to learn the way of listening and “being” and to share my journey and learnings with as many other “twitchy” souls that I can.

To walk in a posture of gratitude, receiving each moment as grace and savoring the gifts that are in front of me every single day.

That I would walk the wilderness seasons with hope and expectation of a Father who provides for His children, though His provision may not look the way we want it to.

I am passionate about loving my husband with a true love.

A God-breathed and blessed love that serves and honors and puts him first.

To be the kind of partner God dreamt of when He smiled to Himself and said, “It is very good.”

To speak words that are life-giving and to hold him up and build him up, not drain him.

To pray for him with a steadfast endurance that holds him up to the Father who is shaping him daily.

To trust that He is at work on this man, and I need not meddle in His development of this man He first loved and dreamt up.

To treat him the way I hope my precious son will be treated by my future daughter in law.

To praise him in front of our children and never speak ill of him in their presence.

I am passionate about loving my children with a true love that reflects God in all His unconditional and steadfast loving ways.

That I would model the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness and self-control) in my moment to moment interactions with them.

That I would look at them with love in my eyes and show them through my words and deeds that I am proud to be their mama and they are lovely.

That I would teach them how to hear truth and lies and how to fight the lies that they hear with truth.

That I would model gratitude, even in times of scarcity.

That I would teach them to run this race well - and that does not mean never bearing my aching soul to God. - That they would see a Psalmist’s heart in me and know that while I feel hurt and have questions, that I will forever praise the God who has saved me.

That I would lean into worshipping God in the midst of highs and lows. That we would be able to say, as a family,

Though the fig tree does not bud
 and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails 
and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen
 and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
 I will be joyful in God my Savior.

That they would learn that He is our God in times of plenty and times of scarcity. He is worthy of praise and worship in all of these moments, and we would lead them down a hopeful highway of praise.

That they would remember us singing out praises even with empty barns, unyielding trees, and broken hearts that are being mended by the Creator’s nail pierced hands.

That I would cheer them on as they praise in the midst of pain.

That I would nurture their creativity, health, souls and minds.

That I would never stop telling them the miraculous story of their creation and that they are my “Red Sea” moment.

That they would know that even if God told me I could pick any children in the whole entire world to be mine, that I would choose them.

I am passionate about loving my community and neighbors with a shepherding love.

That I would walk through my neighborhood a little bit slower and really “see” my neighbors.

That I would not be so busy in my to do lists that I miss the moments to share God’s love with those around me in an authentic and tangible way. ...Sitting with them as they confess the anxiety over their autistic son's future. ...Praying with them for hope and joy and fighting for a perspective of God that is bigger than the now. ...Coloring with the littles and opening my home for messy play dates. ...Being willing to have the home where they can come with questions and sit on my barstools and talk for hours (my mom did this well). ...Rallying alongside of the single mothers who are stretched and tired.

That we would be a “House of Prayer”. -God lead the hurting and broken hearts to our door and anoint this home as a haven for the broken. Teach us to pray so that You hear and You come and You heal (souls and bodies).

That I would not be afraid to be “this person” in my community.

That I would love the many children in this neighborhood and see them with God’s eyes. -That I would hope daily in prayer for them to be set free from entitlement and brokenness that plagues our generation and the generations to come.

That I would indeed share the good news with the poor in spirit, bind up the brokenhearted, and proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. (Isaiah 61)

That I would help women battling anxiety, despair, depression and feeling so alone walk in freedom and joy. (He gives beauty for ashes, oil of gladness for mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. Isaiah 61)

That there would be an entire generation that are called “oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor” (Isaiah 61:3) that begin as seedlings at our KWAV’s meetings.

That we would stand in solidarity with the poor, the widows and orphans and people fighting injustice in our local community and be peacemakers (physical and spiritual).

I envision nights of prayer and worship. I envision community meals. I envision multiple discipleship groups for men and women. I envision home groups that are the highlight of everyone’s weeks because they cannot wait to love and be loved. I envision mentoring for teens. I envision families on mission trips together. I envision retreats for soul care and discovery. I envision Jesus changing lives.

[source: etsy]

Do I feel equipped to live this out?

Me?

No. I am a mess. I am a gal who has to breathe out the words, "I trust You" over and over as I endeavor to walk in a path of peace. I am a wife who has to bite her tongue not to criticize. I am a mom who loses patience over and over. I am a selfish neighbor who often just wants to stay inside in my cozies and paint and sew and not talk to anyone. But, I am taking God at His word these days. That He shows up in our weakest moments and I am going to rely on that power to be what I need to take ground this year.

my name is hope

In yesterday's post, I shared a bit about the "wilderness" season I am in. There have been some amazing resources that have served me really, really well in this time. I have to give the disclaimer that while I have always been a bit of a melancholy soul, the last couple years of our life have been a pressure cooker for that melancholy. I have struggled with anxiety amidst the petri dish that is my life. These resources have been so, so eye opening and helpful for me.

I'd love to share them with you. If you are walking in your own wilderness season, I think these could be resourceful for you:

• One Thousand Gifts - by Ann Voskamp. It seems like the entire world knows about this book, and yet, I continue to give copies to people who have never heard of it. It is amazing. Amazing, amazing, amazing. Like re-read 5 times in a row amazing (I have!). Read out loud passages to anyone in the room amazing (my husband has fallen in love with it too!). It has changed my life and, next to the Bible, has been the most impactful book I have read in my Christian journey.
• Jesus Calling, by Sara Young. As I shared yesterday, this is one of the ways I start every day. I read the day's passage and journal about it and the verses that go with it. It is a true gift to me. Each day feels as though it was written just for me. The funny thing is, nearly every other person I know who also reads this book feels the same way. We also read the Jesus Calling for kids with our kids before we hit the road for school. Love it too.
• My name is Hope, by John Mark Comer. My husband and I were able to get away for a few days last weekend and visit Portland, OR. It was a gift of a weekend on so many levels. One of the huge gifts in it was that we got to attend an amazing church called Solid Rock Church. John Mark Comer is the lead pastor there and we were blessed to get to hear him teach Part 3 of a series titled "my name is Hope". His book was written as his way of sharing all he has learned about walking with anxiety and depression, and more importantly, walking victoriously along side of anxiety and depression. This message series and book will indeed bless many people. If you are in a season that is stretching you in this regard, I would pull up a seat and watch the videos. Order the book. My favorite quote was, "Anxiety is momentary atheism." Ouch. So true. If my worries are eclipsing my trust in God, I am not really trusting God, right? Get ready to do battle - you have a fight ahead of you. But, you will have the tools to wage a Bourne Identity level fight. Or maybe a Sidney Bristow level fight. You choose. Just kick some booty.
• "At the end of my rope", by Mike Erre. This is a message taught by Mike Erre, a pastor at Mariner's church. I listened to this message via podcast the other day (you can download it in iTunes if you search Mariner's Church in the store. Look for "at the end of my rope" for the Irvine Campus). God has clearly gifted this friend of mine to teach His word! It is courage for the weary soul and hope for anyone who feels like they have more than they can handle on their plate. You just might have more than you can handle. And, what Mike asserts is that God is actually in the business of giving us more than we can handle so that we have to rely on Him. Pull up a seat and watch the video if you have the time today. You will be glad you did.

My hope is that these will encourage you wherever you are. Encourage means to pour courage into, so may courage be poured into your heart, mind and soul.

stepping back in

[the proud smile of a boy who lost his first tooth]

It has been a while since I have written my heart out here. I have always been a "writer". As a child my days would be spent writing lists, stories, letters, love notes to my mom and dad, apology notes that I would slip under my brother's door when we were in time outs (he would often tear them up and slip them back under mine, prompting tears and lament), and journaling. In my college years, journaling became my peaceful place. The place where I could process life and ponder all of those deep parts of life that I was diving into. I still journal daily. It is a huge part of my daily quiet time.

My latest "quiet time" routine is waking up before my kids, which if you know my daughter, you know that this is EARLY. It is a discipline because I love my cozy bed, but this time has become honey for my soul. And, this is a season where my soul needs every drop of honey it can get.

I sit down with my journal, my Bible, and a copy of the book Jesus Calling. I start by reading a couple Psalms. They settle me in a way that I cannot explain. I often feel like a tortured soul - I feel everything pretty deeply and I process everything (if not out loud, then in my head). And, these fellas who wrote the Psalms make me feel like I am in good company. Any scriptures that stand out get copied into my journal, and then beneath them I begin to list what is truth in that passage. Then, I list how those truths impact me now - in the moment and in this season.

Next, I go to the day's Jesus Calling passage and I look up the scriptures connected to that days passage. I copy those into my journal and do the same thing - write what I know to be truth and what it says about God/Jesus. Then, I write what this means to ME.

At this point, I try to sit for a few minutes and just listen. I recently heard an amazing woman speak on prayer who gave the analogy of sitting down to lunch with a dear friend and having so much to share, but saying, "You go first." I try to say to God, "You go first. I know you have something to say to me and I want to listen." This is a super hard discipline for me. Super. HARD. I am such a do-er. I am twitchy. It is hard for me to sit still. Really, really hard to quiet my mind. It takes a lot of prayer and discipline to sit still and listen. But, I am at a place in my life where I feel a bit like a toddler who has this amazing mother who is going to hold me still until I stop flailing. My soul feels a bit like a flailing toddler sometimes and God comes near and holds me still. It is painful but I am committed to learning to be still.

Lastly, I pray. I write my prayers. I write my thanks and my fears and my questions and my ponderings. Sometimes it feels like I write my guts out. Lately, I have felt like that is the only writing I can do. When it came to sitting down to blog, I was just so uninspired. I treated it as a sabbatical and felt that I would know when I was supposed to sit back down and blog. Today was that day. I was so inspired by another woman's story and willingness to share her journey that it hit me that this journey of mine just may resonate with others. There is courage found when we feel that we are not alone. Isn't it comforting to commiserate with other mamas about sleep deprivation? You walk away feeling normal. Because in the darkness of that room, with the crying baby and the heavy eyes, you do feel so alone, don't you. You feel like you must be the only mom who cannot get her baby to sleep and you wonder what is wrong with you or this baby. But, in the light of day - in that moment where you hear the TRUTH that you are not alone - there is a special kind of freedom. That has always been my favorite thing about blogging. I love the tips and recipes and ideas, but it is this moment of soulful humanity connection that I love more than anything.

So - I am committed to writing a bit more. My hope is that out of this story of mine, other souls will take courage. More importantly, as God's hope shines out of this story of mine, others will take courage in leaning into this same God.

Where I am right now is "stretched". I am stretched to the place that feels like the end of my rope. And, I am learning that the end of my rope is where God lives. We are in a place of transition, and it feels a bit like we are the Israelites wandering through the desert. I read this passage from Psalm 105 the other day:

"...He spread out a cloud as a covering, and a fire to give light at night.

They asked, and he brought them quail and satisfied them with the bread of heaven.

He opened the rock and water gushed out;

like a river it flowed in the desert.

For He remembered His holy promise given to his servant Abraham.

He brought out His people with rejoicing,

His chosen ones with shouts of joy;

He gave them the lands of the nations,

and they fell heir to what others had toiled for -

that they might keep His precepts and observe His laws." - vs 39-45

This passage has God's faithfulness all over it. He led His people through the wilderness with this cloud by day and fire by night. He provided food and water for them. He eventually leads them to the promised land - land that they did not toil over.

But, they were wandering in the desert for a long time. If you know the story of the Israelites you know that they live this sort of schizophrenic posture of gratitude and angst. Hmmm, sounds familiar. For in my own life, I live these moments of gratitude and recognition that God is here and is providing for our daily needs. But, the angst is lurking there too - when I look ahead of the cloud covering today or the fire lighting up this moment - it's darkness ahead. In that darkness fear and uncertainty lurk. I see that faith journey that the Israelites were taken on, and how they were walking behind God's very presence as a guide both day and night. I am sure that they had to fight to keep their eyes in the moment or they would freak out. The view of the wilderness stretching before them was staggering, I am sure. I love how this passage says, "They asked and He brought them quail and satisfied them with the bread of heaven."

Wow. It is my prayer that my heart and mind would have an aching bent towards God's precepts and laws and desires. That I would see when my eyes wander from the cloud and fire. God is leading us in our own "wilderness" and we are seeing His hand in our lives daily in radical ways. He is the same God who leads, protects, and provides for His peoples' needs.

That is the truth. I have to wash my mind daily in that truth.

My sweet son recently lost his first tooth. It was so loose that when he would eat it would wreak all sorts of havoc on him and he was in pain. It was time for that baby to come out. He attempted pulling it out himself, but then in tears announced that he really wanted his Papa to help him pull it out.

They sat on the couch - Callen straddling my husband as he wiggled that tooth and gently worked on getting it out. Man, that tooth was stubborn. It did not want to come out. I could tell my husband was a bit flabbergasted at how long it was taking. My son sat there with tears streaming down his face, breathing through the pain, watching his Papa stare into his mouth with fingers twisting and pulling.

In the midst of it, Callen reaches up and grabs Drew's face and with his two hands cupping his daddy's face, says:

"Papa, thank you for helping me.

I am brave, but I need your help.

And, this is exciting."

All of this is said with tears streaming down his face. We choked back our own tears and affirmed him for his bravery and told him it was our privilege to help him. (This boy is such a gift and precious sweet spot in our days!)

Eventually, the tooth came out and there was a pretty huge celebration because it was quite the labor of love.

The next morning, I was in the kitchen finishing up my quiet time and I had this feeling of frustration at the wilderness journey that we are in. I feel ready to be to the end of it. God very gently nudged my mind back to the moment on the couch and spoke these words to my heart:

"Ali, you are on my lap. Your tooth is loose but it is not an easy one to pull out. I am holding you and I am helping you. You ARE brave, and it will come out. Just rest on my lap and let me help you. Thank me for helping you. And, this is exciting."

Humbly, I look to His face with tears streaming down mine. Thankful for His lap. Thankful for His hands. Thankful for His help. And, thankful for this journey that is exciting and teaching me so much.