{Leaning In}

My Daily Allowance

2012-02-16T08:22:00.000-08:00

One of my morsels of daily encouragement is the "Morning & Evening" writings from Charles Spurgeon. I get them in my daily reading plan through my Bible app on my iPhone. Today's was particularly fitting.

"And his allowance was a continual allowance given him of the king, a daily rate for every day, all the days of his life." -2 Kings 25:30

Jehoiachin was not sent away from the king's palace with a store to last him for months, but his provision was given him as a daily pension. Herein he well pictures the happy position of all the Lord's people. A daily portion is all that a man really wants. We do not need tomorrow's supplies; that day has not yet dawned, and its wants are as yet unborn. The thirst which we may suffer in the month of June does not need to be quenched in February, for we do not feel it yet; if we have enough for each day as the days arrive we shall never know want. Sufficient for the day is all that we can enjoy. We cannot eat or drink or wear more than the day's supply of food and raiment; the surplus gives us the care of storing it, and the anxiety of watching against a thief. One staff aids a traveller, but a bundle of staves is a heavy burden. Enough is not only as good as a feast, but is all that the greatest glutton can truly enjoy. This is all that we should expect; a craving for more than this is ungrateful. When our Father does not give us more, we should be content with his daily allowance. Jehoiachin's case is ours, we have a sure portion, a portion given us of the king, a gracious portion, and a perpetual portion. Here is surely ground for thankfulness.

Beloved Christian reader, in matters of grace you need a daily supply. You have no store of strength. Day by day must you seek help from above. It is a very sweet assurance that a daily portion is provided for you. In the word, through the ministry, by meditation, in prayer, and waiting upon God you shall receive renewed strength. In Jesus all needful things are laid up for you. Then enjoy your continual allowance. Never go hungry while the daily bread of grace is on the table of mercy.

These words penetrate deep.

"A daily portion is all that a man (woman) really wants. We do not need tomorrow's supplies; that day has not yet dawned, and its wants are as yet unborn. The thirst which we may suffer in the month of June does not need to be quenched in February, for we do not feel it yet"

How many of my moments of worry are connected to my thoughts of tomorrow and the worries that tomorrow stirs in me. How often have I worried over the thirst that I would have in June while living in the month of February? For it is right now literally February, and I can feel my heart beating quickly if I start to think of June. But, it is February. This may be the secret that our children live - they are living today. This moment. And the reality is that the older we get the more we know of storms that lurk and that the winds can change and this causes worry because we know that there are variables that could change things. But, we have no control over those variables, so why give thought to them?

June may indeed be a scorching month with sun beating down heavily and we may indeed be quite thirsty, but I will face that heat when it is directly over head. Today - today is the day that I am walking in and I want to be all in on THIS DAY.

"...if we have enough for each day as the days arrive we shall never know want. Sufficient for the day is all we can enjoy. We cannot eat or drink or wear more than the day's supply of food and raiment; the surplus gives us the care of storing it, and the anxiety of watching against a thief..."

I think of that moment with Jesus and the crowd of people gathered around him (in Matthew). He can see the worry etched on their faces. My face is there in the crowd too. What if we don't have enough food? What if we don't have enough money? What if his company fails? What if...

And Jesus, this Jesus, looks at them and His heart is filled with love for them. For me. He sees them as sheep that do not have a shepherd to take care of them. The job of the sheep is just to follow the shepherd to the good pasture, and the safe places and the water. These people looked like lost sheep. So, Jesus shepherds them by painting a picture with words. The people sat on the mountainside and looked out at the glittering lake and took in the surroundings.

He points to the birds. Everyone looks to see the birds pecking the ground and eating the seeds that lay in bounty for them. Jesus points out that the birds do not worry or store up seed for tomorrow. They know that there will be seed tomorrow because God takes care of them.

"God knows what they need and He feeds them."

Then He points to the wildflowers. Picture the wildflowers growing around you on a grassy hill. Where do these flowers buy their lovely clothes? Do they make them? Do they work every day so that they can buy them? I can hear that laughter in Jesus' voice as He points out the absurdity of this concept. No - these flowers are clothed by God and not even a king could dress as well as these little gems.

Jesus declares it loud and clear - YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAT BIRDS! MORE IMPORTANT THAN FLOWERS! They don't sit and worry about things. And God doesn't want His children to worry either. Your Father in heaven knows what you need.

Sufficient for the day is all we can enjoy.

What has God given me today. For that I am grateful. I am expectant for what He will give me tomorrow. To so many, even to myself as I write this, this is naive. Right? Aren't we supposed to work to prepare for tomorrow. Store up? Retirement, college fund, vacation fund, rainy day fund? Don't get me wrong - there is wisdom in stewarding our resources. But, where the worries begin and the furrowed brow and the anxiety over the what if's begin - it goes against everything God is teaching us through all of scripture. He says He provides. He says one of His names is "Jehovah jireh" - the Lord will provide. He has even provided His son that we would be free from the debt of our sin. How can I trust God for this massive gift of redemption and not trust for little details like food or money? What if the simplicity of enjoying what is before us today - today's bread, today's clothes, today's children, today's husband - what if we could be sheep today and just follow the path that the Shepherd is leading us on. The sheep do not worry about whether they are on the right path, or whether this grass will be there tomorrow. For the shepherd will scoop them up and place them in the right spot if they get off the path. He has that shepherd's staff that he will gently use to push them back into the right place.

What this season is teaching me is that at the end of me, I can only rely on God. I tell Him all day long. "God, you say you will provide. I trust You to provide. You say you will give wisdom. I trust You for wisdom. You say that You leave Your peace. Bring Your peace. You say You are the GOOD SHEPHERD. Be my Shepherd. Lead me to the still waters and good pasture. You say you will."

How gracious He will be when you cry for help! As soon as He hears, He will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden from you no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." - Isaiah 30:19-21

More than anything, my soul wants to hear the voice of my Shepherd, gently whispering, "This is the way; walk in it."

My 2012 Manifesto

2012-02-06T22:01:00.000-08:00

[source: In My Bucket]

A few years ago, a dear friend of mine and I endeavored to launch a new blog called "Mama Manifesto". Our hope was that it would be a place for moms to feel connected and not alone in their motherhood journeys. Motherhood had not come easily to either of us, and it had also not been the easiest transition for either of us. We recognized how encouraging it was to say that out loud. So, we dreamt up this space that would hopefully create a safe place for mamas to gather and draw inspiration in a nap-sized moment. That is still our hope.

But, one of the things that we wanted to do for ourselves and others, was encourage a "proactive" way of parenting. That we would not just get caught up in the frustrating cycle of reactive parenting. You know the drill ... the kids are addicted to sugar so they whine for sugar and we cave by giving them sugar, but we truly, truly, truly desire to raise healthy kids who eat well and are nurtured in their bodies. Or, we have a huge desire for our kids to be creative and to live a childhood that is inspired and full of imagination and adventures, but we cannot break the cycle of screen time obsession as we rotate from tv to iPhone to computer to DS to wii to XBox...

That is a very tangible example of reactive parenting. The deeper one is that we have these deep desires of who we want to be as women. To our husbands, to our families and maybe even to our neighbors. We know who we WANT to be, and maybe even WHO WE WERE CREATED TO BE. We just are not living that out. I remember working before I had kids and having to sit down in multiple jobs and create a "vision statement" for myself or for the company. We kind of need something like this to keep our actions in line with our desires.

So, what is your manifesto for 2012? Who do you want to be to your husband, to your kids, to God, to your neighbors, to your co-workers, to the blogging community? I sat down tonight and in a very stream of consciousness way wrote out my manifesto for 2012. My hope is that as I check back in, that I can identify how my actions need to shift in order to reach these goals.

I will share it with you. It comes from my heart. And, I would love to read yours. Would you share it with me?

My Manifesto | 2012

I am passionate about knowing my Father.

Hearing His voice and walking in tune with His Spirit are the desires of my heart.

I endeavor to learn to be still and know that He is God.

I endeavor to learn the way of listening and “being” and to share my journey and learnings with as many other “twitchy” souls that I can.

To walk in a posture of gratitude, receiving each moment as grace and savoring the gifts that are in front of me every single day.

That I would walk the wilderness seasons with hope and expectation of a Father who provides for His children, though His provision may not look the way we want it to.

I am passionate about loving my husband with a true love.

A God-breathed and blessed love that serves and honors and puts him first.

To be the kind of partner God dreamt of when He smiled to Himself and said, “It is very good.”

To speak words that are life-giving and to hold him up and build him up, not drain him.

To pray for him with a steadfast endurance that holds him up to the Father who is shaping him daily.

To trust that He is at work on this man, and I need not meddle in His development of this man He first loved and dreamt up.

To treat him the way I hope my precious son will be treated by my future daughter in law.

To praise him in front of our children and never speak ill of him in their presence.

I am passionate about loving my children with a true love that reflects God in all His unconditional and steadfast loving ways.

That I would model the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness and self-control) in my moment to moment interactions with them.

That I would look at them with love in my eyes and show them through my words and deeds that I am proud to be their mama and they are lovely.

That I would teach them how to hear truth and lies and how to fight the lies that they hear with truth.

That I would model gratitude, even in times of scarcity.

That I would teach them to run this race well - and that does not mean never bearing my aching soul to God. - That they would see a Psalmist’s heart in me and know that while I feel hurt and have questions, that I will forever praise the God who has saved me.

That I would lean into worshipping God in the midst of highs and lows. That we would be able to say, as a family,

Though the fig tree does not bud  and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails  and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen  and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD,  I will be joyful in God my Savior.

That they would learn that He is our God in times of plenty and times of scarcity. He is worthy of praise and worship in all of these moments, and we would lead them down a hopeful highway of praise.

That they would remember us singing out praises even with empty barns, unyielding trees, and broken hearts that are being mended by the Creator’s nail pierced hands.

That I would cheer them on as they praise in the midst of pain.

That I would nurture their creativity, health, souls and minds.

That I would never stop telling them the miraculous story of their creation and that they are my “Red Sea” moment.

That they would know that even if God told me I could pick any children in the whole entire world to be mine, that I would choose them.

I am passionate about loving my community and neighbors with a shepherding love.

That I would walk through my neighborhood a little bit slower and really “see” my neighbors.

That I would not be so busy in my to do lists that I miss the moments to share God’s love with those around me in an authentic and tangible way. ...Sitting with them as they confess the anxiety over their autistic son's future. ...Praying with them for hope and joy and fighting for a perspective of God that is bigger than the now. ...Coloring with the littles and opening my home for messy play dates. ...Being willing to have the home where they can come with questions and sit on my barstools and talk for hours (my mom did this well). ...Rallying alongside of the single mothers who are stretched and tired.

That we would be a “House of Prayer”. -God lead the hurting and broken hearts to our door and anoint this home as a haven for the broken. Teach us to pray so that You hear and You come and You heal (souls and bodies).

That I would not be afraid to be “this person” in my community.

That I would love the many children in this neighborhood and see them with God’s eyes. -That I would hope daily in prayer for them to be set free from entitlement and brokenness that plagues our generation and the generations to come.

That I would indeed share the good news with the poor in spirit, bind up the brokenhearted, and proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. (Isaiah 61)

That I would help women battling anxiety, despair, depression and feeling so alone walk in freedom and joy. (He gives beauty for ashes, oil of gladness for mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. Isaiah 61)

That there would be an entire generation that are called “oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor” (Isaiah 61:3) that begin as seedlings at our KWAV’s meetings.

That we would stand in solidarity with the poor, the widows and orphans and people fighting injustice in our local community and be peacemakers (physical and spiritual).

I envision nights of prayer and worship. I envision community meals. I envision multiple discipleship groups for men and women. I envision home groups that are the highlight of everyone’s weeks because they cannot wait to love and be loved. I envision mentoring for teens. I envision families on mission trips together. I envision retreats for soul care and discovery. I envision Jesus changing lives.

[source: etsy]

Do I feel equipped to live this out?

Me?

No. I am a mess. I am a gal who has to breathe out the words, "I trust You" over and over as I endeavor to walk in a path of peace. I am a wife who has to bite her tongue not to criticize. I am a mom who loses patience over and over. I am a selfish neighbor who often just wants to stay inside in my cozies and paint and sew and not talk to anyone. But, I am taking God at His word these days. That He shows up in our weakest moments and I am going to rely on that power to be what I need to take ground this year.

my name is hope

2012-02-05T09:26:00.000-08:00

In yesterday's post, I shared a bit about the "wilderness" season I am in. There have been some amazing resources that have served me really, really well in this time. I have to give the disclaimer that while I have always been a bit of a melancholy soul, the last couple years of our life have been a pressure cooker for that melancholy. I have struggled with anxiety amidst the petri dish that is my life. These resources have been so, so eye opening and helpful for me.

I'd love to share them with you. If you are walking in your own wilderness season, I think these could be resourceful for you:

One Thousand Gifts - by Ann Voskamp. It seems like the entire world knows about this book, and yet, I continue to give copies to people who have never heard of it. It is amazing. Amazing, amazing, amazing. Like re-read 5 times in a row amazing (I have!). Read out loud passages to anyone in the room amazing (my husband has fallen in love with it too!). It has changed my life and, next to the Bible, has been the most impactful book I have read in my Christian journey.
Jesus Calling, by Sara Young. As I shared yesterday, this is one of the ways I start every day. I read the day's passage and journal about it and the verses that go with it. It is a true gift to me. Each day feels as though it was written just for me. The funny thing is, nearly every other person I know who also reads this book feels the same way. We also read the Jesus Calling for kids with our kids before we hit the road for school. Love it too.
My name is Hope, by John Mark Comer. My husband and I were able to get away for a few days last weekend and visit Portland, OR. It was a gift of a weekend on so many levels. One of the huge gifts in it was that we got to attend an amazing church called Solid Rock Church. John Mark Comer is the lead pastor there and we were blessed to get to hear him teach Part 3 of a series titled "my name is Hope". His book was written as his way of sharing all he has learned about walking with anxiety and depression, and more importantly, walking victoriously along side of anxiety and depression. This message series and book will indeed bless many people. If you are in a season that is stretching you in this regard, I would pull up a seat and watch the videos. Order the book. My favorite quote was, "Anxiety is momentary atheism." Ouch. So true. If my worries are eclipsing my trust in God, I am not really trusting God, right? Get ready to do battle - you have a fight ahead of you. But, you will have the tools to wage a Bourne Identity level fight. Or maybe a Sidney Bristow level fight. You choose. Just kick some booty.
"At the end of my rope", by Mike Erre. This is a message taught by Mike Erre, a pastor at Mariner's church. I listened to this message via podcast the other day (you can download it in iTunes if you search Mariner's Church in the store. Look for "at the end of my rope" for the Irvine Campus). God has clearly gifted this friend of mine to teach His word! It is courage for the weary soul and hope for anyone who feels like they have more than they can handle on their plate. You just might have more than you can handle. And, what Mike asserts is that God is actually in the business of giving us more than we can handle so that we have to rely on Him. Pull up a seat and watch the video if you have the time today. You will be glad you did.

My hope is that these will encourage you wherever you are. Encourage means to pour courage into, so may courage be poured into your heart, mind and soul.

stepping back in

2012-02-04T14:50:00.000-08:00

[the proud smile of a boy who lost his first tooth]

It has been a while since I have written my heart out here. I have always been a "writer". As a child my days would be spent writing lists, stories, letters, love notes to my mom and dad, apology notes that I would slip under my brother's door when we were in time outs (he would often tear them up and slip them back under mine, prompting tears and lament), and journaling. In my college years, journaling became my peaceful place. The place where I could process life and ponder all of those deep parts of life that I was diving into. I still journal daily. It is a huge part of my daily quiet time.

My latest "quiet time" routine is waking up before my kids, which if you know my daughter, you know that this is EARLY. It is a discipline because I love my cozy bed, but this time has become honey for my soul. And, this is a season where my soul needs every drop of honey it can get.

I sit down with my journal, my Bible, and a copy of the book Jesus Calling. I start by reading a couple Psalms. They settle me in a way that I cannot explain. I often feel like a tortured soul - I feel everything pretty deeply and I process everything (if not out loud, then in my head). And, these fellas who wrote the Psalms make me feel like I am in good company. Any scriptures that stand out get copied into my journal, and then beneath them I begin to list what is truth in that passage. Then, I list how those truths impact me now - in the moment and in this season.

Next, I go to the day's Jesus Calling passage and I look up the scriptures connected to that days passage. I copy those into my journal and do the same thing - write what I know to be truth and what it says about God/Jesus. Then, I write what this means to ME.

At this point, I try to sit for a few minutes and just listen. I recently heard an amazing woman speak on prayer who gave the analogy of sitting down to lunch with a dear friend and having so much to share, but saying, "You go first." I try to say to God, "You go first. I know you have something to say to me and I want to listen." This is a super hard discipline for me. Super. HARD. I am such a do-er. I am twitchy. It is hard for me to sit still. Really, really hard to quiet my mind. It takes a lot of prayer and discipline to sit still and listen. But, I am at a place in my life where I feel a bit like a toddler who has this amazing mother who is going to hold me still until I stop flailing. My soul feels a bit like a flailing toddler sometimes and God comes near and holds me still. It is painful but I am committed to learning to be still.

Lastly, I pray. I write my prayers. I write my thanks and my fears and my questions and my ponderings. Sometimes it feels like I write my guts out. Lately, I have felt like that is the only writing I can do. When it came to sitting down to blog, I was just so uninspired. I treated it as a sabbatical and felt that I would know when I was supposed to sit back down and blog. Today was that day. I was so inspired by another woman's story and willingness to share her journey that it hit me that this journey of mine just may resonate with others. There is courage found when we feel that we are not alone. Isn't it comforting to commiserate with other mamas about sleep deprivation? You walk away feeling normal. Because in the darkness of that room, with the crying baby and the heavy eyes, you do feel so alone, don't you. You feel like you must be the only mom who cannot get her baby to sleep and you wonder what is wrong with you or this baby. But, in the light of day - in that moment where you hear the TRUTH that you are not alone - there is a special kind of freedom. That has always been my favorite thing about blogging. I love the tips and recipes and ideas, but it is this moment of soulful humanity connection that I love more than anything.

So - I am committed to writing a bit more. My hope is that out of this story of mine, other souls will take courage. More importantly, as God's hope shines out of this story of mine, others will take courage in leaning into this same God.

Where I am right now is "stretched". I am stretched to the place that feels like the end of my rope. And, I am learning that the end of my rope is where God lives. We are in a place of transition, and it feels a bit like we are the Israelites wandering through the desert. I read this passage from Psalm 105 the other day:

"...He spread out a cloud as a covering, and a fire to give light at night.
They asked, and he brought them quail and satisfied them with the bread of heaven.
He opened the rock and water gushed out;
like a river it flowed in the desert.
For He remembered His holy promise given to his servant Abraham.
He brought out His people with rejoicing,
His chosen ones with shouts of joy;
He gave them the lands of the nations,
and they fell heir to what others had toiled for -
that they might keep His precepts and observe His laws." - vs 39-45

This passage has God's faithfulness all over it. He led His people through the wilderness with this cloud by day and fire by night. He provided food and water for them. He eventually leads them to the promised land - land that they did not toil over.

But, they were wandering in the desert for a long time. If you know the story of the Israelites you know that they live this sort of schizophrenic posture of gratitude and angst. Hmmm, sounds familiar. For in my own life, I live these moments of gratitude and recognition that God is here and is providing for our daily needs. But, the angst is lurking there too - when I look ahead of the cloud covering today or the fire lighting up this moment - it's darkness ahead. In that darkness fear and uncertainty lurk. I see that faith journey that the Israelites were taken on, and how they were walking behind God's very presence as a guide both day and night. I am sure that they had to fight to keep their eyes in the moment or they would freak out. The view of the wilderness stretching before them was staggering, I am sure. I love how this passage says, "They asked and He brought them quail and satisfied them with the bread of heaven."

Wow. It is my prayer that my heart and mind would have an aching bent towards God's precepts and laws and desires. That I would see when my eyes wander from the cloud and fire. God is leading us in our own "wilderness" and we are seeing His hand in our lives daily in radical ways. He is the same God who leads, protects, and provides for His peoples' needs.

That is the truth. I have to wash my mind daily in that truth.

My sweet son recently lost his first tooth. It was so loose that when he would eat it would wreak all sorts of havoc on him and he was in pain. It was time for that baby to come out. He attempted pulling it out himself, but then in tears announced that he really wanted his Papa to help him pull it out.

They sat on the couch - Callen straddling my husband as he wiggled that tooth and gently worked on getting it out. Man, that tooth was stubborn. It did not want to come out. I could tell my husband was a bit flabbergasted at how long it was taking. My son sat there with tears streaming down his face, breathing through the pain, watching his Papa stare into his mouth with fingers twisting and pulling.

In the midst of it, Callen reaches up and grabs Drew's face and with his two hands cupping his daddy's face, says:

"Papa, thank you for helping me.
I am brave, but I need your help.
And, this is exciting."

All of this is said with tears streaming down his face. We choked back our own tears and affirmed him for his bravery and told him it was our privilege to help him. (This boy is such a gift and precious sweet spot in our days!)

Eventually, the tooth came out and there was a pretty huge celebration because it was quite the labor of love.

The next morning, I was in the kitchen finishing up my quiet time and I had this feeling of frustration at the wilderness journey that we are in. I feel ready to be to the end of it. God very gently nudged my mind back to the moment on the couch and spoke these words to my heart:

"Ali, you are on my lap. Your tooth is loose but it is not an easy one to pull out. I am holding you and I am helping you. You ARE brave, and it will come out. Just rest on my lap and let me help you. Thank me for helping you. And, this is exciting."

Humbly, I look to His face with tears streaming down mine. Thankful for His lap. Thankful for His hands. Thankful for His help. And, thankful for this journey that is exciting and teaching me so much.

I can hardly stand it

2011-01-10T20:33:00.000-08:00

Seriously.

I can hardly even stand it. This amazingly talented gal makes me swoon nearly every day when I visit her blog. My blog should be retitled as "What Ashley Said Yesterday". She is just that amazing.

She recently put together this gift idea that serves as a daily calendar/notepad that very simply records the best of your days through out the year. It hits all my hot buttons: gratitude, reflection, pausing for a moment, simple (!!), easy to create and maintain, etc.

[source: ashley anne]

And, being the super quality woman that she is, she is sharing her template with all of us so that we can make them too. What a wonderful gift for a New Year's party (i know, just a little late for that!). I am making these for my kids, hubby and I tomorrow. I have to admit that I am seriously bothered by the fact that we are already on day 10 of January. I may have us go back through our calendar to try to remember the best of those days, just to appease the perfectionist in me.

Before you do anything else, click on this link and go download the template to make this for yourself or someone you love. You are guaranteed to put a little happy in their day.

Just in case you see this post, Ashley - thank you for sharing your amazing ideas with the internet. You are a beautiful picture of the Proverbs 31 woman and your children will surely arise and call you blessed. xo

Pita Pizzas

2011-01-05T12:33:00.001-08:00

Over Christmas break we discovered a new favorite way to make personal pizzas. We are big on pizza here in our house. I constantly crave this whole - wheat goat cheese, proscuitto, and carmelized onion pizza. My kids, however, are fans of the kiddo fave - cheese pizza, or if they are living really dangerously, cheese and pepperoni.

Enter a new way to prepare pizza - on pita bread. How have I never heard of this before?

Ingredients:

whole-wheat round pita breads (1 per pizza)

sauce of choice (my kids love a basic marinara, but get creative and try olive oil or an alfredo sauce)

cheese of choice

toppings of choice

1. Heat oven to 425 degrees. I think it works best when you place the pita breads in the oven for a few minutes to toast the underside prior to putting toppings on, but if you don't mind your pizza not having a crisp crust, you can forego the toasting.

2. Build your pizza with sauce and toppings of choice. This is the kids favorite step!

3. Place pizzas in the oven on a cookie sheet (line with parchment paper to save yourself some clean up).

4. Let cook for 5-10 minutes until cheese is melted on top and ready to eat.

Enjoy!

My brilliant sister shared this new way to make pizzas with me. In the summer they build their pizzas and pop them right onto the grill for cooking. What a fun summertime party idea! Trader Joe's sells mini pita breads (about the size of a silver dollar) - I am excited to make little mini pizzas as a snack.

Speaking of traditions

2010-12-15T13:57:00.000-08:00

[Find this adorable stocking here!]

Yesterday I shared our Gratitude Box tradition.

This year we will be adopting this tradition that Ashley Anne shared.

I cannot wait to write those notes for my kids' stockings.

Our Gratitude Box

2010-12-14T13:43:00.001-08:00

We launched a new tradition in our home last year. Not only did we take on this new tradition in our home, but I gave it as a gift to several other families in our life.

As I reflect on the past few years, I can recognize that one of the greatest themes in my life over this time has been learning to be more thankful. I am learning to stop, to pause, to reflect, to meditate on the lovely. It has been a powerful thing in my life. I believe gratitude has the power to change our world.

So, in an effort to create space for reflection and focused gratitude in our family, I put together a "Gratitude Box".

I took shipping tags from Office Depot and numbered them 1 -15, one for every year of our marriage (we just celebrated our 12th year anniversary in August - woo hoo!).

And, over the weeks leading up to Christmas last year, my husband and I went through the years of our marriage together and chose something significant from each year to mark that year. We have tried to attach an object or photo to each of the tags that is connected to the year's memory, but we also write a brief description of what and why it is significant on the shipping tag.

We have our babies' hospital ID bracelets attached to the years that they entered our lives.

We have the key from our first house.

We have a Bible verse that was plastered all over our house to remind us to meditate on the lovely in the midst of a truly dark season, among other objects and tokens that help tell the story of our life as a family.

It was such a powerful thing for Drew and I to sit and reflect on our journey as a family, and how blessed we are, and also on the highs and lows that we have weathered together.

Our tradition is that this is the last "gift" that we open on Christmas, and as a family we will unpack the box and look at the concrete examples of favor and blessing and peace and joy that are woven in our story. I hope that this will become a highlight of my children's Christmas traditions, and that in the years to come, we will choose our year's markers together. I hope that one day when my kids get married, that this will be a gift that I can give to them - an empty box that is theirs to fill with treasured momentos that help them reflect on God's gifts to them.

I think that this could also be a lovely Thanksgiving or New Year's tradition. I plan on making it a gift that I give to couples who are getting married. I just know in my own life, that if I do not deliberately open my eyes wide enough to see the beauty in my history, and to purposefully choose to respond with gratitude, that I am missing out.

As a gift, I put together a collection of shipping tags, with numbers to mark their years. I like the metal boxes from IKEA, or the fabric covered boxes from Waverly that are sold at Target or TJ Maxx stores. I embellished the tags with some scrapbooking scraps to add a little flair and then fastened them together with D-rings sold at office supply stores.

I also printed this to go in the box:

Do you have any Christmas traditions that are focused on gratitude? What Christmas traditions are you hoping that your children will continue once they are off in families of their own?

Weekly Goals

2010-11-10T15:51:00.000-08:00

I think one of the most common things I hear from fellow mamas is how much we all struggle with the un-ending to do list that comes with the territory of motherhood and kids underfoot. I have often described it as feeling like I am living out the plot of Groundhog Day - you know, where the same day starts over and over. Same tasks. Same snacks. Same dishes. Same chores. Same fights. Same. Same. Same.

It just is what it is. I don't think we can escape it. We will have a lot of mundane tasks, and we will probably end each day feeling like we did not really complete any one of them.

I saw this post over at Under the Sycamore and immediately thought, "AHA! That is a great tool for me." The whole idea of having weekly goals is brilliant! Because I have my daily grind goals that seem to suck up the time, and the name of the game in this season of life seems to be INTENTIONALITY. I have to be intentional with everything I want to do. My husband and I may really want to carve out some solo time, but if we are not intentional about it, it ain't gonna happen. Kristen and I have been talking a lot lately about how easy it is to all of the sudden realize that you aren't really connected to your peeps anymore. Life can sweep through and all of the sudden it has been a month or so since you have really connected with friends or other families that you care about.

The same thing is true for my goals that I would certainly like to accomplish. When Ashley Anne was writing about her goals I felt some serious mama solidarity.

So, I have put together a little Weekly Goals template for myself. Feel free to use. I loved the 4 categories so much that Ashely shared that I copied them. They are Home Organization (I'll be tackling my pesky linen cupboard this week), Project Completion (finishing my daughter's preschool scrapbook seems like a good one, since she is now in 1st grade), Something for Someone Else (love this idea of weekly planning how we can love on someone else), and Each Kid (this one makes my heart sigh because I desperately need to be intentional with doing something with or for each kiddo of mine every week. This week I am taking my girlie on a date, and my hubby is taking my son on a date.)

I know that there will be weeks (probably more than not) where I will not accomplish these goals. But, at least I am starting my week with them on my mind and working at that intentionality piece to the equation.

There is a lot to be learned about surrenduring to the beauty that is found in the mundane.

I continue to push forward.

10 on 10

2010-11-10T07:56:00.000-08:00

I love when other bloggers post their 10 on 10. I have intended to begin doing it many times. Just like I intend to make photo books for every year of our marriage. Today was a good day to start.

What is "10 on 10"? Heather Mattos, from Cookie Mondays, summarized it beautifully:

Take a photo every hour for ten consecutive hours on the tenth of each month. Document a day of your life and find beauty among the ordinary moments!

Typically, the idea here is to document a whole day's worth of photos in one post. Inspiration to remember to capture simple, everyday moments and record them, as well!

Today at Mama Manifesto we took on a collaborative 10 on 10. Kind of a view into the moments of many mamas days. Visit and check it out. And, link up your own 10 on 10, if you do it.

Here is my 10 on 10 ...

9 am: Morning cuddles on the couch, as we consider good name choices for his stuffed animals. "Owlie" is pictured here. Owlie has a lot of questions, most of which are: "Who?"

10 am: Returning decor items from a fundraising event for Nuru International to IKEA. There was ice cream. We were happy.

11 am: A quick errand at Paper Source, paper heaven. I love this place. I could spend hours looking at every little thing here. I got some japanese masking tape for a craft project. Callen and I played "I Spy" to keep him from juggling the fun Christmas goodies.

12 pm: Enjoying a smoothie on my way to Balboa Island for a walk (alone!). I rarely get a moment to walk by myself, as I usually have my trusty sidekick on his razor or bike. This was an amazing treat with ipod loaded with great tunes, and time to pray and walk in the sunshine

These ladies just had to be included. I love watching them paint the beauty of balboa. I was reminded of how we are wired to create.

1 pm: The end of my walk. Oh, how I love this place and I am so thankful that it is now only about 10 minutes from my home. I came home a much different mama than when I left. Feeling more peaceful and with a fresh perspective on loving my family in the mundane (something I was struggling with in the morning).

2 pm: Starting a craft project in my daughter's room. I gathered stuff that has been lurking in the garage to create some much-needed (FREE!!) wall art in her new room.

3 pm: Done! Love it. Love that it was free. (I will share more about this craft project tomorrow.)

4 pm: Homework time with my sweet girlie.

5 pm: Dinner prep. Taco Tuesday. Everything was ready for our return from soccer.

6 pm: Soccer practice. Not pictured here - the invisible icicles hanging from my body. It was so cold! Fall has definitely arrived. We played "how hot can it get" in the car on the way home with the heater blasting.

It was a lovely day of ordinary moments.

Sidenote: All photos from today were taken on my iphone using the instagram app. It is pretty awesome. A fun way to play with different effects and offers immediate sharing to facebook, flickr, etc. And its free!

sigh.

2010-11-09T21:40:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of love for the book, Jesus Calling. It has been such a gift to my days in a busy season. It feels as though each day has not only been written for me, but that it truly has been written for THAT day.

This was what I read a few days ago.

I love that phrase so much - "instead of grasping and controlling, you are learning to release and receive."

It is funny - I have been so sensitive lately to the "grasping and controlling" that I see in my children. It is like needles on a chalkboard when I see them walking through life with a posture of entitlement. It is painful for me.

I had a moment this week where I caught a glimpse of myself modeling that same posture that makes me completely crazy when I see it in my children. God gently reminding me how far I have to come. And, reminding me at the same time that I should have a lot more grace for my kids.

Ouch.

Sigh.

So, today, I am thankful for this simple little devotional book that daily gives me some really good food for thought.

Recycled Plastic Bag Pumpkin Craft

2010-10-07T09:13:00.001-07:00

We have a full-blown pumpkin obsession going on in our house. It started with just one pumpkin. We were at Trader Joe's and I had my trusty 4 year old companion with me. (Sidenote: I don't think he has ever been more scrumptious than at this current age. He has this way of talking like John Wayne - out of the side of his mouth with his s's sounding like a cross between a "sh" and "z" sound.)

He spotted the massive display of pumpkins and wanted to bring one home. One turned into two, and they made it into our cart. They had names by the time we got home. "Pumpky" (I know, original, right. Everything that he names ends with the "-ie" sound. His pet stuffed dolphin is "Dolphy" and his stuffed turtle is "Shelly" and his stuffed owl is "Owly".) and "Papa Pumpky".

These pumpkins got lots and lots of love over the next week. He would sit with them on the front porch, "visiting". He introduces them to his cars and his friends and his stuffed animal friends. He shares his snack with them. -So, all this love and appreciation softened my heart for the next Trader's visit and when he asked so nicely if he could please get another pumpkin for the pumpky family, I was in.

The trend has been established - when we go to Trader Joe's, we return with a pumpkin for our little pumpky family. We are up to about 7 pumpkins. I will say that the prices for these pumpkins are the lowest I have ever seen. (Reason #798 I love Trader Joe's).

So, when I stumbled on this craft idea, I knew we had to try it. I love that we can recycle plastic grocery bags into a cute pumpkin craft. This is also one pumpkin that will last longer than the Fall season. Allow yourself some time to scroll through Kathy's blog. It is full of so many great art projects for kids. (I love the step-by-step instructions she gives.)

Quick Cinnamon Rolls. Heavenly.

2010-07-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

These were an impromptu creation. We have decided as a family that these shall be hereforth called "Christmas Morning Rolls". Because they taste so good - they taste like Christmas. And, they were easy. Way too easy to taste this good.

Last week, we discovered how to make Pizza Balls out of pizza dough. These cinnamon rolls were made out of the same whole-wheat pizza dough from Trader Joe's.

Here's the lowdown.

Ingredients needed:

1 package whole wheat pizza dough, or recipe of pizza dough

a few table spoons of olive oil in a bowl

2 tablespoons of brown sugar

cinnamon

pumpkin pie spice

walnuts (probably about 3 tablespoons)

olive oil cooking spray

optional - glaze made with 1/4 cup powdered sugar, 1 tbsp milk, 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract all whisked together

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Spray the inside of a cake pan or bundt cake pan with olive oil cooking spray.

2. Follow instructions for pizza dough preparation, and after it has risen according to instructions, roll out on a lightly floured surface into a large rectangle about a 1/4 inch thick.

3. Once you have your dough rolled out, brush the surface of dough with olive oil with a pastry brush (this is a perfect task for a pint sized helper).

4. Sprinkle brown sugar evenly over the dough. Follow with cinnamon and pumpkin pie spice (do as much as you like. I was pretty generous because I love cinnamon). Lastly, sprinkle walnuts evenly over the dough. I did not measure how many nuts we did. The kids just did handfuls until it looked good to us. When done, spray a light layer of olive oil spray over the nut mixture.

5. On the shortest side of the rectangle begin rolling the dough up into a long roll. Roll it as tight as you can. Lightly spray the roll on all sides with olive oil cooking spray.

6. Take a pizza cutter, and cut the roll into sections that are about 1 inch wide. Place the rolls into your cake pan like you see in the photo below.

7. Bake for 30 - 35 minutes or until the rolls are lightly browned on the top and the dough feels done, but not dry. (We are very technical around here) :) While the rolls bake, prepare the glaze if you are using it. They would be lovely either way.

8. Remove from oven and top with glaze.

ENJOY!

all used up

2010-06-30T21:45:00.000-07:00

I love this quote that I saw today over at Blessed Little Nest.

I picture my daughter's markers - used to create beauty until there is the faintest line coming from the tip.

I want to be all used up!

it's lovely.

2010-06-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

My last post was about how life would be different if I was intentionally making some specific choices. What a difference a few little things make. I am in a season that is marked by intentionality (it's totally a word). In true Ali fashion, there is a lot of analyzing in my head... I am a bit irritated by social media (facebook especially). I am asking myself a lot of questions about blogging ... why do we do it? ... what's the purpose? ... is it worth the time sacrificed that could be spent elsewhere? ... am I reading more about other people's lives than living my own? ... is this feeding my "people pleasing" issues? ... is this feeding my quest to build my identity? and probably most importantly - how does my interaction with blogging (writing and reading) impact my family?

Why am I irritated with Facebook? It could just be me, but I feel like facebook is the laziest way to communicate. I am not a fan of learning big news about my closest friends lives in a "news feed". I go to facebook to feel more connected and I would say 95% of the time leave feeling less connected and kind of out of the loop on everything. And, I am all for striving to be positive and meditate on the lovely in our lives, but facebook often feels like a long list of bragging. Sorry, but that is how it feels. And, really, should we all care about which starbucks beverages are being consumed by our friends? I am thinking of unplugging the facebook umbilical cord all together. I'm processing.

This is a quote I've been pondering lately and I just can't quite figure out how it melds with the facebook world ...

"Is what you're about to say going to improve upon the silence?"

-Ghandi

Being intentional. That's what we were talking about. My hubby shared a great morsel from an author he loves. This fella encourages smiling whenever you speak to people. Obviously, not smiling while you are talking about something sad. Be real, people. But, smiling when speaking for the most part. It's quite pleasant, really. Its quite surprising what a difference a smile makes in one's entire disposition. I've been practicing smiling while driving, and oddly I feel more peaceful.

Speaking of smiling ... we have an improved smile over here.

Logan lost her first tooth. It was a long-awaited event. She penned this letter to her tooth fairy, which made me giggle.

how would my life be different ...

2010-06-07T22:56:00.000-07:00

... if I woke up every day with eyes wide open to see how much I have to be thankful for?

How would my mornings be different if I looked for opportunities to praise my kids through my sleepy eyes?

How would my husband feel about leaving to conquer the world if I sent him off with words of affirmation and if I said, "Thank you for going to work today."?

How different would I feel if I looked in the mirror and noticed the good reflecting back?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

Food for thought

2010-06-01T20:32:00.000-07:00

Watercolor Therapy

2010-05-31T20:54:00.000-07:00

I saw a fabulous craft post over at whatever, and had to try it out with my kids (Meg @ whatever got the idea from Pink & Green Mama). I ended up getting them set up to paint while I made dinner and it worked out so well. They were in watercolor heaven. I had a little George Winston Pandora love going on - the mellowness settled in like a cloud.

The goal is to help kids create some Georgia O'Keefe inspired flowers.

We visited this site to check out her works of art. My kids preferred gazing at the flowers the children painted on whatever and Pink & Green Mama's sites. Must be the happy rainbow colors.

I drew some flowers for my son with a sharpie on white cardstock, and then my daughter drew her own. He finished his flowers much quicker than she did, so he started on a painting of a "happy tree". But, the happy tree needed to be bald. Oh how I wish I could freeze his 4 year old little self right now.

They started to paint. - We talked about painting the petals, the middle, and the background all different colors so that it "pops". They loved it. It was seriously calming.

Logan's masterpiece

Callen's masterpiece (Mama helped with the background)

Go paint something.

following the leader

2010-05-25T21:43:00.000-07:00

Callen, you are such a wonderful big helper. Lately, you love helping me unload the silverware from the dishwasher. You hear the plates start clinking and you come running - "I wanna help!"

You give commentary the entire time ... big spoon ... little spoon ... little fork ... mama, A KNIFE (I think you relish getting to handle knives in these moments) ... big forks ...

You made my morning when you said, "Mama, look - these tea spoons are playing follow the leader."

Yes, son, they are.

I'll raise your pretty, and give you fabulous

2010-05-24T13:59:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I posted my pretty Trader Joe's sparkling lemonade bottle vases. These bottles are just too pretty to throw away, don't you think.

As I was looking at the vases, I started thinking that they would be fun to decorate with a little scrapbooking paper and mod podge.

Here is the fabulous result ...

It was an incredibly simple project. These would be ideal hostess gifts (take one to the host with a pretty flower inside, or use twigs like I did). I think these would also be adorable as decoration for a party.

I took some shipping tags from Office Depot and added a few of my favorite bible verses right now to them and tied the tags to the twigs for a little added flair. You could customize the tags in so many ways - for a birthday celebration, a baby shower, a wedding shower, etc.

my favorite way to start the day

2010-05-22T10:37:00.001-07:00

is with this song by Jon Foreman ...

Sometimes I have to listen a few times in the row so that my head and heart really hear the lyrics. I love that Jon takes the Lord's prayer and embellishes it with some pretty amazing imagery.

Here are the lyrics ...

Heavenly Father, You always amaze me

Let Your Kingdom come in my world and in my life

Give me the food I need to live through today

And forgive me as I forgive

The people that wrong me

Lead me not into temptation

And deliver me from the evil one.

I look out the window

The birds are composing

Not a note is out of tune or out of place

I walk through the meadow

And stare at the flowers

Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day

Why should I worry?

Why do I freak out?

God knows what I need

You know what I need

Your love is,

Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens

Is now advancing

Invade my heart

Invade this broken town

The kingdom of the heavens

Is buried treasure

Would you sell yourself

To buy the one you've found?

Two things You've told me

That You are strong

And You love me

Yes, You love me

Your love is,

Your love is strong

Our God is heaven

Hallowed be Thy name above all names

Thy kingdom come

Thy will be done

On earth as it is in heaven

Give us today our daily bread

And forgive us weary sinners

Keep us far from our vices

And deliver us from these prisons.

For sure the most powerful imagery for me is when I picture a beautiful meadow filled with amazing, gorgeous flowers and singing birds. I love how the lyric says the flowers in the meadow are "better dressed than any girl on her wedding day". God's handiwork simply cannot be outdone. Think of the most beautiful weddings and most beautiful brides -- I love that God's super strong, amazing, powerful love is bigger and more beautiful than the most intricate bridal gown.

I also love when it says:

Two things You've told me:

#1: That You are strong

#2: That You love me

I picture myself as a child who is frightened. I think of how safe I would feel to sit in my Dad's lap and have him hold me with his strong arms so tightly and just whisper, "I love you" into my ear.

Yes, He loves me.

And, He is strong.

{all photos of beautiful brides in this post are from Green Wedding Shoes}

the upside to wetting the bed

2010-05-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

Pillow Hill.

Because, yeah, it is a pain to strip the sheets and re-make the bed. But, that face - it kind of melts my heart.

Lambie needed to see the view from the top of the hill.

I sure would not trade these moments for all the crisp, clean, made beds in the world.

pretty.

2010-05-21T13:19:00.000-07:00

this makes me happy

I used old salt shakers and bottles for flower arrangements at our wedding. I've been collecting them ever since.

These French Market Sparkling Lemonade bottles from Trader Joe's are just too pretty to throw away. So, we enjoy the tasty beverage (I like to add a splash of it to my water), and then save the bottles to re-use as vases.

That painting in the background is one of the things I would grab if ever there was a fire. It is by the ever so talented Andrea Luna Reece.

Before.

After.

Nesting Eye Candy

2010-05-21T11:03:00.001-07:00

Feast your eyes on all this amazing "nesting" goodness ...

I want to wash dishes in this kitchen. It is the creation of Kara Paslay, and her blog is filled with Do It Yourself ideas and inspiration. Like this. And this. If you look really closely at the kitchen knobs, you will see that they are all different. She needed to do the design on a budget and chose to get her knobs at the Habitat for Humanity store...the result is an eclectic mix of funky knobs that so work for me.

I cannot even begin to describe in words what these pictures makes me feel. This kitchen is the perfect balance of funky with a fresh, clean look. I want to have a long meal at that table, and I want to bake cookies in that kitchen. It is Ashley Anne's kitchen, and her blog is Under the Sycamore Tree. It is one of my daily clicks and I always have a little more spring in my step after visiting. I live where there is very little land, so our houses are stacked on top of each other. I absolutely live vicariously through her family and their romping around the yard. She is an amazing photographer and shares tips with her readers, which is very kind of her I think.

This is her daughter's nursery...

Yeah, I know - it is prettier than most of our master bedrooms. Love it!

And, for some more photo inspiration, you have to visit Meg Duerksen's blog Whatever. If you ever wanted an old house that you get to restore and tweak into your own amazing space, this is the blog for you. She is an incredible photographer as well, so her photos are amazing and inspiring in the same way that walking through Anthropologie is. Scroll through photos of her home here. But, be forewarned. It will make you want to paint, go flea marketing, hit the garage sales, and you will feel compelled to bake cake. Trust me, you will.

This is one of my favorites.

Happy clicking.

introducing justice

2010-05-17T13:30:00.000-07:00

How lovely to think that no one need wait a moment, we can start now, start slowly changing the world! How lovely that everyone, great and small, can make their contribution toward introducing justice straightaway... And you can always, always give something, even if it is only kindness!
Anne Frank

shine, shine, shine, let it shine...

2010-01-31T20:43:00.000-08:00

I saw this quote today and LOVED it.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? Your are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
- Marianne Williamson

Kind of blue...

2009-02-03T13:44:00.000-08:00

A while back I saw this picture, and wondered if I should take a color risk and paint my table. My husband came home the other night to me impulsively painting it blue.

It is happy. It is full of "spring". I am still a little surprised by it. And, I am sure it is not for everyone, but I am glad I did it.

Amen, sister!

2009-01-31T10:05:00.000-08:00

Recently, a reader wrote in to an advice columnist at The Washington Post, asking about why her friend with children seemingly had no time to call her back. The author, Carolyn Hax, gave her a response I think we can all relate to:

Dear Carolyn:
My best friend has a child.

Her: Exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc.

Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What'd you do today?

Her: Park, play group . . .

OK. I've done Internet searches; I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please, no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners. . . . I do all those things, too, and I don't do them every day. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day, and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail?

I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events), and I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy — not a bad thing at all — but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth?

Is this a contest ("My life is so much harder than yours")? What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids, and all us child-free folks get the same story and have the same questions.
— Tacoma, Wash.

Dear Tacoma,
Relax and enjoy. You're funny.
Or you're lying about having friends with kids.
Or you're taking them at their word that they actually have kids, because you haven't personally been in the same room with them.
Internet searches?

I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard. To claim you want to understand — while in the same breath implying that the only logical conclusions are that your mom friends are either lying or competing with you — is disingenuous indeed.

So, since it's validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. In list form. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, clean, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries and questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces the kind of checkout-line screaming that gets the checkout line shaking its head.

It's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.
It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier.
It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family members and friends, well-meaning and otherwise. It's resisting the constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense.
It's doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything — language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity, empathy. Everything.

It's also a choice, yes. And a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy — and then when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, you wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend — a good friend wouldn't judge you, complain about you to mutual friends or marvel at how much more productively she uses her time.

Either make a sincere effort to understand, or keep your snit to yourself.

-Carolyn Hax

When I am a grandma...

2009-01-23T13:27:00.000-08:00

I sure hope my grandkids have this much fun with me! I am so thankful for our parents who live near to us, and continue to love our kids with reckless abandon. So thankful...

the joy of sharing

2009-01-13T19:43:00.000-08:00

Logan and Callen enjoying an early morning cuddle.

My kids share a room. I have to admit, I was a bit bummed when we downsized into our 2 bedroom home and we lost a room. I have a super girly-girl who had this really beautiful wrought iron bed that I had painted pink and distressed so that it was the perfect "shabby chic" bed that looked like it came from Anthropologie (really from Ikea for $99). Moving two kids into one room did not allow the biggish bed to fit. I loved that she had her own place to be while her brother napped - giving me some actual "quiet time to myself". And, I certainly appreciated that I could send them each to their own rooms for some time out from each other when the going got rough.

Adjusting to one room has been interesting. My son, who used to sleep until about 8 AM started waking before 6 AM. I think perhaps he has always stirred around this time, and without anything exciting to do in his room would doze back off to sleep. Now he wakes and sees his sister sleeping across the room and starts doing the worst things ever for these wee hours of the morning - he sings his ABC's and counts to 10 (with the numbers all out of order) and sings songs from his favorite TV shows at the top of his lungs until his sister is wide awake too. Then they play together and read books for, oh, I don't know, 2 and a 1/2 minutes before they start fighting and screaming at each other. There are mornings that I really, really miss the other bedroom.

But, something happened recently that melted my heart into a huge puddle of blissful mama goo and pretty much redeemed the early morning shared bedroom blues.

Here is how it went down...

Callen (almost 3) had his first nightmare. He woke up sometime around 3 AM screaming and crying. It was heartbreaking and painful. He was so, so sad. He could not tell me in words what was so scary, he just kept crying and saying, "I had a scawy dweam." I stood by his bed for a long time talking to him, holding him, stroking his back, and then I left to go back to sleep. There were a couple of quiet moments, and then he started crying again and repeating his phrase about the "scawy dweam". We repeated this cycle a few times. Me going to comfort him, standing next to his bed, talking him through it, going back to bed and I would lay down for a minute or two and he would start crying again. This lasted about an hour.

The entire time this was happening, Logan was laying there in her bed with her eyes sleepily watching me come and go. Everytime I would come back into the room to comfort her brother she would say, "Callen is still scared about his dream" in her crackly, sleepy voice.

He started crying again and I got out of bed and was rushing back to comfort him again, but just as I got to the bedroom door and was reaching for the knob, I heard Logan say, "Callen, it's okay, Buddy. You're okay. I am here with you. It's okay. Go back to sleep, Buddy. I am here..." She just kept repeating it over and over in her sleepy little voice. He stopped crying and I stood there listening to her soothing him as he did that little shuddering thing that we all do after crying our hearts out. I stood there for a good 5 minutes listening to her comfort him first with her reassuring phrases, and then by singing a song to him. She sang the same song I sing to her when she is scared or worried - "Mighty to Save" - a worship song from Hillsong Church in Australia.

I had to fight every urge in my body not to rush in there and scoop them both up into a heap of hugs. I knew it would ruin the peaceful moment that had settled on their room.

I tiptoed back to bed with tears filling my eyes and thanked God that my kids get to share a room.

Si se puede!

2008-12-30T14:39:00.001-08:00

Have you ever had a day where you feel like all that comes out of your mouth is, "No."? I especially hate when my beautiful girl is repeatedly giving ideas for activities that are great, but not necessarily doable in that particular moment [we are headed out the door to a birthday party and it is "Mama, can we bake cookies?"... we have 10 minutes before bedtime and it is "Can we build the super tallest fort and read lots of books with a flashlight"... we are running late for preschool in the morning and sitting down to steamy bowls of oatmeal that need to be shoveled into our mouths faster than you can say "line leader" and I hear, "I know, lets make pancakes!"...].

I have learned of a great tool called a "Yes Jar". It is a place to store all those great ideas that just do not fit that moment so well. Write the ideas down and place them in the jar. Once per month, deem a certain day a "Yes Day", and pull out these great ideas and make space for Yes in your life.

Si, si, si!

What am i teaching my children?

2008-12-07T20:51:00.000-08:00

Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again. And what do we teach our children? We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France. When will we also teach them what they are? We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move. You may become a Shakespeare, a Michaelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel. And when you grow up, can you then harm another who is, like you, a marvel? You must work, we must all work, to make the world worthy of its children.
-Pablo Casals

I read this quote today and was reminded of what I want to teach my children! I was reminded that in addition to correcting them and redirecting them from harming each other throughout the day, that I need to stop them as they scurry past me, gently hold them by the shoulders and look deep into their eyes. I need to smile at them in a way that allows them to see, through my eyes, how very much I treasure their very existence. I need to list the things that I love about them and remind them that they are meant to be blessings to this world and that they can do great and wonderful things in their lives. I need to kiss them on the tips of their noses and just say, "I love you." And, tell them about how I remember them growing inside of my tummy and how I prayed for them 50 times a day. And that the days that they were born remain as my favorite days in my whole life. They need to know these things. They need to believe these things in their little hearts.

Logan and Callen, your mama loves you.

This is love!

2008-11-26T07:00:00.000-08:00

Don't you think that the longer you are married, the better you get at recognizing how much your spouse loves you through the oddest "displays". In early marriage, I was wooed by love songs written just for me, and special date nights, and flowers and proclamations of my beauty and grace.

Now, 10 years and 2 kids later...

I am wooed by my husband doing fancy tricks on his bike while the kids and I follow him. I was pushing our jogging stroller and so badly wanted a few more minutes of exercise. But, the natives were restless. A revolt was steadily growing. Snacks were no longer placating and the grumbling was growing louder and louder.

Dun dun du daaaaaa...

My knight in shining armor steps up and begins entertaining them with all sorts of antics. He was pretending to ride into the trees lining the walkway. He would ride under the tree branches and duck at the very last moment, just barely missing a concussion. The kids were giddy with excitement. There is nothing funnier to toddlers and preschoolers than physical comedy, right?

Well, maybe this is better. This was his finale. For about a 1/2 mile he did these tricks while cars slowed down and people walking on the other side of the street stared at us like we were the biggest family of freaks. Were they in awe? Were they perplexed? Yes to all of it.

-"Honey, what is that guy doing?"

-"I don't know dear, but lets stay on this side of the road. I hope he doesn't fall on those children."

My models

2008-11-25T08:00:00.000-08:00

As promised, here are some photos of the kids in the fashion show...

{the wee ones in the hot off the press simple shoes}

{Logan & India practicing - Logan ended up walking another little one down the catwalk}

{"this modeling stuff is hard work, lets rest right here in the middle of the floor"}

{practicing - how cute is that face on Callen!}

{strutting}

{is there anything cuter than that?}

I'm loving this...

2008-11-22T08:00:00.001-08:00

Don't you just want to sit on that floor and soak it up? I love this room. Love the light, the colors, the funky letters on the wall, the mix of modern and aged pieces...love it all!

This is the family room of blogger Andrea, from hula seventy. For the tour, go here.

It makes me want to paint my current dining room table (see below) a funky, chipping torquoise color. What do you think? Do I dare? The legs on this table kind of scream for paint, don't you think?

This table was a gift from my dear friend, Tristen, for my 30th birthday. She snagged it at a local garage sale for $25! She is a cool bargain magnet!

He's Too Sexy For His Shirt!

2008-11-21T14:00:00.000-08:00

Well, apparently Callen was born to strut his stuff. From the moment he stepped onto the "catwalk" - it was a legit catwalk with lots of lights and thumping music and a decent audience - he turned into a two year old version of Blue Steele. He was a natural and is talking about his "big show" just about every 5 minutes. If I was highly motivated, I would consider getting him a little agent person to help build his college fund because Lord knows we could use the padding. But, I am a lazy mom and would rather spend my days with him at the beach or rolling cars down the slide at our park.

But, thank goodness, there were no meltdowns until after the show when he tried to sled down the sidewalk on his hands and knees (he fell).

And, I apologize for not having any photos to share with you. I forgot to pack my camera (yes, I know, what mother forgets her camera when her kid is going to be on stage? That would be me!). But, Kristen took some photos so I will share them with you soon.

Happy Weekend, Y'all!

Fashion Show

2008-11-18T21:17:00.000-08:00

{here is Callen, flaunting his two-ness}

Tomorrow Callen is supposed to be in a Simple Shoes fashion show. He is 2. He is stinking cute and can definitely ham it up with the best of them. He is charming and handsome. Yes, all of this is true.

But, he is 2. The chances of meltdowns are high, and the battle of the wills could be in full force.

This is what I am hoping for...

That he makes it all the way down the "runway" with a smile on his face.

That he does not refuse to walk down the runway when it is his turn.

That he does not panic halfway down the runway and scream for me.

That he does not see any sort of snack or treat in the audience as he is walking down the runway, causing him to stop and demand a taste!

That he does not stop in the middle of the runway and "do a show" (that would mean that he would sing something that sounds a bit like a duck trying to sing and it probably would have words like "Thomas, James and Percy" but his pronunciation of "Percy" sounds much more like a horrible name for a girl's body part.)

Oh, and I am also hoping that he gets to keep the cute simple shoes.

As I was tucking him in bed tonight, I was prepping (brainwashing) him for his "big show where he will walk slowly in his new shoes". I almost had to pinch him because he is just too cute when he replied:

"Oh yes. I so stited!"

I will let you know how it goes...

to snip or not to snip?

2008-11-14T20:05:00.000-08:00

[a brochure on vasectomy from the 1980's-note the two men discussing the procedure over coffee]

That is indeed the question of the day over here in the Bray home. We are at a cross roads ... do we take the plunge and solidify that we are done? Do we wait a bit longer in case we get a strong desire to re-enter babyhood?

My youngest is going to be 3 in February and I have got to tell you, things are pretty dang sweet right now. We can do long outings and not be overly concerned about naps. We are in a really sweet phase. The thought of being pregnant right now and having the morning (afternoon, evening, all night) sickness again while taking care of these two beautiful kids makes me want to give up a kidney instead.

Sure, I have a few baby twinges here and there. When I see that belly bump poking out of the cute pregnant moms around me I kind of feel a twinge. And, when I see the new little peanuts being carried so gently in their parents' arms, I feel a slight twinge. When I look at these little people growing up so quickly right in front of my eyes. Their babyhood is like a breeze that blowing through my house. Slam goes the screen door, it is gone.

But, then the thoughts of sleepless nights and all that is entailed in another little person quickly snaps me back to my reality. And, my reality is that I often feel like I am barely scraping by as a mom as it is. I often end the day feeling like there is just not enough time to give these kids and to take care of my husband and our home the way that I want to. But, maybe with each kid we let go of a little bit more of that control that we hold. I definitely think that I am a better parent now than I was in the very beginning. I am less freaked out by the small stuff. More "big picture", learning to enjoy the golden moments more.

How do you know when you are done? How do you know that it is time to snip?

opportunities all around me

2008-11-08T20:42:00.001-08:00

The majority of us lead quiet, unheralded lives as we pass through this world. There will most likely be no ticker-tape parades for us, no monuments created in our honor. But that does not lessen our possible impact, for there are scores of people waiting for someone just like us to come along; people who will appreciate our compassion, our unique talents. Someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have a potential to turn a life around. It's overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunities there are to make our love felt.
-Leo Buscaglia

Lately I have been struck by this quote. Because when I stop to look at my life and my days right now, it is very clear that my day is made up of mini-moments strung together that are perfect opportunities to show my love to those in my path. As a full-time SAHM, my kids are the people I am with the most. I am trying to submit to this idea. To lean into it. To see each moment as an opportunity to share my love and joy with whomever I am engaged with in that moment. It changes the way I go about filling sippy cups and preparing lunch. Even how I lay that lunch on the table. So often, I am plopping lunch down, shuffling kids about and scurrying from here to there in the midst of that task. Today, I was conscious of setting it down and kissing each of my kids on the top of the head. Small moment. Huge difference in my day, though. I am left feeling like I am the lucky one - to get to love on these beautiful people in my life. My kids. My husband. My in-laws. My parents. My friends. The lady in front of me at the grocery store. The little kid at the park who just needs a smile.

There really are opportunities all around me...

It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.
-Mother Teresa

An idea for Obama!

2008-11-08T20:29:00.000-08:00

Maybe we should develop a Crayola bomb as our next secret weapon. A happiness weapon. A beauty bomb. And every time a crisis developed, we would launch one. It would explode high in the air - explode softly - and send thousands, millions, of little parachutes into the air. Floating down to earth - boxes of Crayolas. And we wouldn't go cheap, either - not little boxes of eight. Boxes of sixty-four, with the sharpener built right in. With silver and gold and copper, magenta and peach and lime, amber and umber and all the rest. And people would smile and get a little funny look on their faces and cover the world with their imagination.
-Robert Fulghum

a true piece of me

2008-11-05T17:20:00.000-08:00

Today I had a little gift in my day. I got to go running. By myself. I am trying to exercise regularly, but the whole "I need to care for two little children" thing is a huge barrier for me. I get really frustrated by the bickering, the grabbing of each others' snacks & toys & "space", the constant questions that demand replies that my winded self just cannot answer in rhythm with my moving body ... I get frustrated.

Today I got to go all by myself. No one to talk to. No "I spy" games to play while I run. No stopping to pick up dropped items. Just me and the pavement. And my ipod (thank you, iphone. and thank you for letting me take these pictures while i run and while i listen to my running mix!!)) to drown out the heavy breathing. Just me and my thoughts and steady breathing.

I felt so free. It took me right back to a season of life [college in La Jolla, CA] that was characterized by open schedule, freedom to run for an hour at a time, and no one to care for but myself. I cannot really explain how I suddenly felt a bit more like myself as I was running today. Like there is this "Ali" that spans my life's timeline, and today two parts of that timeline collided. I am sure there is a strong chance that those words made no sense whatsoever to anyone but me.

Here is my hope - that every mother out there can have some sort of escape every now and then that takes her to that happy place. It could be sewing, painting, walking, running, reading in a park with strangers around. Because, I came home full. Thankful. I had eyes that got to focus on the beauty around me and an undivided self that was able to take in the moment fully - the smells of the trees and the cool fall air and my breathing ...

Where is your happy place?

Honk if you love...

2008-11-04T17:00:00.000-08:00

To Whomever Was In Charge of the Whole Time Change Thing:

2008-11-03T16:00:00.000-08:00

This was a very bad idea. On behalf of all the other mothers of the world, please change it back.

Sincerely,

Ali

[tired mom who is tired of waking up before 6 AM]

McCain, this could be your last minute maneuver to boost your numbers - go on all major networks and address the mothers of the world. Tell them that you hear their cries and you understand. And that you will make abolishing daylight savings your first plan of attack! We would way rather have sleep than a healthy economy.

Honestly, I think I might vote for Mickey Mouse if he would promise to abolish the time change deal.

Seriously.

There is no possible way that a mother was a part of the whole "Daylight Savings" discussion! No. possible. way.

I mean, what mother would want time to go backwards?

Can you picture it - "Oh, my kids wake up between 6 and 6:30 everyday, lets go ahead and move the clock backwards. I would love another hour with them in the morning."

No Way!

So, this is a day that I have constantly been looking at the clock thinking, "It has to be 10 AM already." No, it is 7:45.

"It has to be 10:30 by now. I mean, we have watched our morning TV time, had breakfast, played board games, done play-doh time, played hide and go seek, please, God, let it be 10:30!"

Nope. 9:30.

I am bitter at "Fall Back."

{Happy Halloween}

2008-11-01T08:33:00.000-07:00

We have enjoyed the Halloween Festivities to our fullest capacity this year! Callen was really excited to be Buzz Light Year, but I guess he only enjoys being Buzz in the comforts of our own home. When it was time to head out for the Trick or Treating he was inconsolable (could be due to the fact that the buzz costume is like wearing leather pants, and it is 90 degrees here - where the heck is Fall???). So, we moved to a Plan B costume - David Beckham. Apparently David Beckham is not super concerned with his nutrition because last night he attempted to eat his weight in sugar!

Logan embraced her inner-fanciness as "Fancy Nancy", her favorite character in literature right now - complete with pink hair and all. She loved the parade at preschool and was in treat nirvana for the Trick or Treating time! We got to spend the evening with 8 other families - so there were lots of super heroes, fifties girls, a cheerleader, and even a dog dressed like a pig trick or treating as a group. We were overwhelming to the poor home owners for sure!

I hope you had a Happy Halloween!

{Logan as Fancy Nancy @ preschool}

{Logan & Dorothe & a fairy, also known as Maya & Sascha}

{the parade}

{Buzz from the back}

{Callen as Buzz, before the Melt-Down}

{the crazy posse of kids}

{Trick or Treat!!!}

{Callen as Beckham}

{Happy Halloween from Fancy Nancy & David Beckham!!}

Gratitude Revolution, part 2

2008-11-01T06:55:00.000-07:00

[gratitude revolution part 1 is here]

It is my firm belief that my attitude, gratitude, and awareness of the blessings that are a part of my history and current life greatly impact my actions and my perspective on life.

My glass is either half full - because I am aware of how, in my life, I have experienced having my glass filled time and again.

OR

My glass is half empty - because as I look at my life, I see all that I lack, and I am not remembering the past that is full of blessings.

I impact my own gratitude by how (or if) I choose to reflect on my past.

I was reading Psalm 105-106 today. It records over and over how God was faithful to the Israelites in their journey out of Egypt and through the desert. It also points to the fact that we as humans are so forgetful, and that our trust should be based on our history.

Our fathers, when they were in Egypt, did not consider your wondrous works; they did not remember the abundance of your steadfast love, but rebelled by the sea, at the red sea. Yet, He saved them for His name's sake, that He might make known His mighty power.
Psalm 106:7-8

"But they soon forgot His works..." (Psalm 106:13)

"They forgot God, their Savior, who had done great things..." (Psalm 106:21)

A lack of remembrance is connected to action. It is really easy for me to look at the record of these people who lived long ago and scoff at their "forgetfulness". I mean, here are these people living in the midst of miracles. - God sending the plagues to provoke their freedom from Egypt. Leading them to the Red Sea and then PARTING the waters so that they could walk through the sea to freedom. Taking them through the desert and daily providing them with bread to eat that would fall from the sky, hearing them declare their thirst and causing water to flow from a rock... I can so easily see their constant forgetfulness and how it caused them to complain and to fear for their present circumstances. In my head, I think, "If I had seen God open the sea, or drop bread into my hands every day, I would absolutely KNOW that He would continue to care for me."

But, here is what I know about myself. I forget today how God was faithful to me yesterday. I forget that He created the two children who are MIRACLES in the midst of my infertility. I forget that He has absolutely provided for our family in the most amazing ways in the midst of this economic uncertainty. It may not be water flowing out of a rock, but it is clear to me that God is doing good things in my life daily.

So, if I am going to have this revolution of gratitude in my life, I think where I have to start is by remembering. There is this section of Deuteronomy that always gives me chills:

I am going to start today with remembering.

Jekyl & Hyde were here... A Question of Contentment

2008-10-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

I think that I am living with Jekyl & Hyde. Seriously. It seems absurd that in the time span of .0003 seconds the mood between my children can go from loving each other wholeheartedly, stroking each other's faces with fairies flying above their heads sprinkling "happy dust" to a scene from Kujo where the dog is hunting down people and snarling and biting and breaking through windshields to get to them. It is actually unbelievable! And, it is no longer just fighting over toys (we have about 30 cars in our home, and the most coveted one is whatever one the other kid is holding!), it is as though they are fighting over who gets to breathe first. They fight over who gets to open the front door when it is time to leave, they fight over who gets to the car first, they fight over who gets to brush teeth first, they fight over which bar stool to sit in. Yesterday, I witnessed these two precious children fighting over my cottage living magazine, which neither of them cares about at all. It was just the only thing within arms reach when the "selfish moment" kicked in. I mean, seriously?

I sat watching them this morning and what I witnessed broke my heart. What I saw were two little people who were so caught up in watching what the other person was thinking about playing with next so that they could get there first, and simultaneously trying to look as though what they were holding in their hands and playing with was THE most fun thing in the whole world in order to spark some jealousy in the other. My daughter was scanning the room like a hawk and shrieking with a totally unnatural volume, "Oooohhhh, my little pony, hee hee hee, you are the most beautiful pony, hee hee hee..."

Before you think I am totally melodramatic in my saying that this "broke my heart", let me explain why. It is because it was as though I saw in their interaction the entire picture of our culture at large. I saw two little people who are so blessed with ample things to be thankful for, and the opportunity before them to live in a moment of bliss and happiness, so caught up with sizing up what the other people around them were doing, seeing and wanting that they literally were missing the joy in front of them. They were missing the opportunity to play together, to enjoy one another.

Quite frankly, I saw myself. -I miss out on so much when I am looking at everyone else. I miss out on the magic in my child when I am looking at other kids to see how my child is developing in comparison to them...I miss out on the wonder of the stage that we are in (newborn, toddler, preschool, etc.) when I am focused on what is coming next and how that will be so much easier...I miss out on recognizing that I am a well-made woman with body parts that all work and the ability to walk down the street with my head held high when I am busy comparing my thighs with the woman's thighs who is walking in front of me (who is probably comparing her tummy to the gal next to her)...I miss out on savoring the sun shining down on my face as I sit in my backyard with my kids when I am looking across my yard trying to picture how great a built in bbq and outdoor fireplace would look in place of patchy grass...

I. miss. out. on. so. much.

...but the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three on them sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4, and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in a hurry to get on to the next things: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.
-Anna Quindlen

Dear Gloria Steinem,

2008-10-26T13:00:00.000-07:00

I wanted to thank you for fighting for equal pay for women in the work place. I also appreciate that I have a choice in whether I want to pursue career full-time, family full-time, or a combo of both. I believe you have marked our society and the way it looks at women. I think that we women should stick together and encourage each other in life. I admire your passion and willingness to fight for what you believe in. I do not necessarily agree with all your views (abortion being a huge one), but I do have to recognize that you leveraged your life, your career, your reputation to fight for the things you believe in. I respect that.

I recently saw you on Oprah. You were being honored for all you have done for women. You said something that I strongly disagree with, and I had to respond.

You said:

"Gratitude never radicalized anyone."

I know the context of this was Oprah asking you if you feel frustrated that young girls in this society do not know how far women have come. But, these words that you choose to speak are so contrary to what I believe.

You see, Ms. Steinem, I believe that gratitude is one of the biggest forces of revolution there is. I look at our society and I see a place that is pillaged by discontent, by greed, by a lack of gratefulness. I see a world that is hurting and broken and very, very poor. I see that most people walk through their days with a sense of entitlement, and maybe even a bit of anger because they want more. You may think that the most powerful form of revolution is anger - indignation - frustration with the status quo. I am led to believe that the most powerful revolution is one in our souls.

I have seen in recent events in my own life that my choice to walk in gratitude is transforming my life. It is RADICALLY changing my days, my thoughts, my heart. You are wrong. Gratitude has radicalized me.

I pray that my heart would burn for social justice. I pray that our culture would hurt for those who are hurting, and take a stand when it comes to social justice. That we would live radically. I truly believe that if we begin to notice and want WHAT WE HAVE, we will want to fight for others to have that as well. We will not be consumed by our quest for more, but to share the good.

So, today, I choose to be thankful. To revolutionize my world with gratitude. To foster that in my children. I hope that others will join me in this.

Sincerely,

Ali

grat⋅i⋅tude [grat-i-tood, -tyood]
–noun
the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful: He expressed his gratitude to everyone on the staff.
Origin:
1400–50; late ME <>

[join me in the revolution of gratitude...]

Why?

2008-10-25T22:08:00.000-07:00

{Why am I so cute? Why? Why is this water a creek? Why? Why those turtles sleeping? Why? Why say "Bons" to miss Bonnie? Why?}

There was a time not so long ago that I fretted over my son's lack of speech. I was concerned that he was not talking much. Concerned that he was not putting two words together. I was concerned enough to have him evaluated. We did tests and it was determined that he had a speech delay. Not so much that services were recommended, but enough to spin me into a googling frenzy and to make me nervous about all sorts of things related to speech and child development.

Time passes.

Things change.

Here I am now, exhausted from a day that was oh-so-full of talking. So. Much. Talking.

He just does not stop talking. I should pause here to say that I am thankful that he no longer has this delay. I am thankful for the speech that is flowing out of him like a mighty rushing waterfall! Okay, I am thankful.

But, it would sure be nice for him to use his internal narrative voice at times. How do you teach that to a 2 1/2 year old? Suggestions?

What amazes me almost as much as his energizer like ability to speak and speak and speak, is his father's ability to just selectively tune the talking out.

Here is what I witnessed tonight while in the kitchen washing dishes:

[Drew is on the couch watching football. Callen is on the couch playing with dinosaurs, sort of watching the football game, and Logan is leaning against her Drew's chest staring at the TV, probably noticing the way the helmets sparkle in the sunlight]

Callen: "Why those guys playing football?"

Callen: "Papa, why those guys playing football?"

Callen: "Pa-pa! Why those guys playing that football?"

Callen: "Mama, why those guys playing football?"

Mama: "Ask Papa."

[drew glances at me]

Callen: "Papa?"

Drew: "Yes, buddy."

Callen: "Why those guys playing football?"

Drew: "They like to play football."

Callen: "Oh."

Callen: "Why?"

Callen: "Why, Papa?"

[silence...]

Callen: "Why those guys talking?" (referring to the sports commentators)

Callen: "Why those guys talking?"

[I just cannot handle it any more!]

Mama: "They are telling people what is happening."

Callen: "Why?"

Logan: "You are just a chatter boy."

And so it goes all day...

If this were a Sesame Street episode, it would be brought to you by the letter Y.

I Love This...

2008-10-23T14:14:00.001-07:00

This is one of the best things I have read in a long time. It hits me square in the chest. I resonate so much with all of it.

Why is it ...

2008-10-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

... that horrible, horrible, brain rotting, good for nothing shows like "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" suck me in every time? It happens so quickly. It is like reaching for that first handful of popcorn or chocolate covered almond. And then, the next thing you know you are holding an empty bowl with a sheepish grin and tighter pants. Or, like when you sit down to quickly check out one blog on one website. And then, before you know it, it is a couple hours later and your eyes are throbbing and you have carpal tunnel syndrome and your back is sweating and you cannot believe that you just visited 34 blogs when you have a mountain of laundry slowly invading your bedroom from the closet, and you still have not started dinner!

Yep, that is exactly what it is like. My husband was flipping through the channels, and caught a couple of seconds of this show. I was passing by, and said, [with a totally mocking tone] "What are you watching?" He sheepishly answers: "This real housewives show. It is unreal." I scoff, and then lurk for a second, and then slowly settle into the seat next to him. -Just to watch until the next commercial, of course. I mean, I have to see if this lady really does get the new blinging escalade from "big poppa" (her apparent sugar daddy). She is flaunting her consumerism with reckless abandon. I. Cannot. Stop. Watching.

Then, the next episode starts and shows this mom throwing a $18,000 birthday party for her 11 year old. Naturally, right? I mean, who isn't throwing these kinds of bashes for their tweens? I want to vomit. I cannot stop thinking about how many kids that could feed in India. But, I still cannot stop watching.

Oh the horrible traps i get stuck in.

Anyone else have a guilty TV confession? Anyone know of a website I can visit to get my 2 hours of wasted time back?

"Teach your kids to repent well."

2008-10-15T08:12:00.000-07:00

I recently heard this quote:

"It is not so important to focus on teaching your children about doing the right thing or the wrong thing, but to teach them how to repent well."

-Adam Ayers

Who is this "Adam", you might be asking. He is a legend in our community. A man known for being utterly wise and for living out his Christian faith in the most authentic manner. He is also one of my husband's dearest friends and they have regularly coffee dates where they connect and chat about life. Drew is always coming home with morsels like this one. Everyone should have an Adam in their life.

But, this quote has me thinking quite a bit lately. I think I agree. And, I think I don't do this well. I am really good at telling my kids when they are doing the wrong thing, and then making suggestions for better choices. I am "just okay" at acknowledging that they have done the right thing. I am trying to be better about praising positive behavior, but I tend to have eyes that are magnets for noticing the negative behavior. But, when I think about this concept - "teaching our kids to repent well" - I cannot help but think that we would have a dramatically different culture if it were made up of people who did this regularly.

Webster defines "repent" as:

1. to feel sorry, self-reproachful, or contrite for past conduct; regret or be conscience-stricken about a past action, attitude, etc. (often fol. by of): He repented after his thoughtless act.
2. to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one's life for the better; be penitent.
3. to remember or regard with self-reproach or contrition: to repent one's injustice to another.
4. to feel sorry for; regret: to repent an imprudent act.

So, I gather that the heart of repentence is taking responsibility and feeling sorry or regret for how we have hurt another. It forces us to have empathy for the people around us - to connect with their hurts and how we have contributed to them. It takes the eyes off ourselves, and puts them on others. It causes us to see how our actions are impacting others - to own that - and then to strive to make different choices in the future.

I look at what is going on in our country right now - in both the economy and in politics. I am seeing a whole lot of pointing, blaming, and spinning. Not a whole lot of acceptance of bad choices or considering how those choices have impacted others. It is pretty amazing how quickly saying, "I am sorry. I know that hurt you and made you feel belittled" can end a fight in my home.

So, this is one of my new challenges in my role as a parent, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend & human - to model repentence well for my kids and to learn how to repent well. Believe me, there will be plenty of opportunities for me to do that.

love this...

2008-10-13T09:41:00.001-07:00

“There is in every true woman's heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.” -Washington Irving

I am, in a strange way, excited for what our nation is going through. I believe that it is going to shake our culture up a bit. I believe that it is going to cause us to question our consumption and how we use things to numb ourselves a bit. Adversity brings a fight in our souls ... a fight for truth and a fight for survival!

I do not delight in the pain that many are going through. I have been there, and we still feel the ramifications of the economy. But, I delight in knowing that as a people, many of us will be refined in these times. We will lean into what is important. We will ask harder questions and seek to know true peace. Peace that cannot be bought or found in "securities" like stocks and bonds.

I also just love seeing that spark in the women around me. I think it is one of the most beautiful things to behold. I am grateful to be a woman because I believe wholeheartedly that we carry with us a part of God's identity that is not found anywhere else in creation. "In His own image, He created them." Adam is not the only one who is made in God's image. I think that is pretty sweet!

You Know You Have An Older Sister When...

2008-10-10T07:00:00.000-07:00

{when you are dressed up as a fairy/pirate}

{when you accessorize}

{when you appreciate hair glitter and lip gloss}

{when you choose a hand bag to tote your cars}

{when you wear my little pony underwear as a "hat"}

{When your mom dresses you in pink hand me downs, like these water wings}

I am all for gender neutral parenting. I try not to push pink on Logan and I am open to Callen exploring his inner girliness. But, lately he is really embracing it! He is starting to ask for things in the shades of pink that his sister loves (can I have the pink cup, can i hold the pink bear, etc.). He is also starting to accessorize his outings with a purse or two (there is usually a car tucked inside the purse, but it is still a purse). He often demands to wear a head band (just like "mogan"). I had one day where we were headed out to watch a little preschooler buddy play soccer and Callen and I argued about whether he could wear a head band like his sister. I finally gave in, thinking, "You know, I don't really care if he wears it or not. I just don't want him to be made fun of."

How far do I let it go? I remember reading about a little boy who wanted to wear a skirt to preschool. Any other moms out there with boys who love cars and pink tulle?

Interval Training

2008-10-05T09:26:00.000-07:00

Last week I was talking about trying to take time out to rest, and to build space into my day for peace and reflection. Slowing down.

Well, I have been trying. There have been a few sweet rewards in this. I have had a couple of days where the craziness of my day would typically have engulfed me, but just having a few moments of quiet and focused prayer really did quiet my soul. It was definitely hard for me to retreat. With a long list of "To Do's", it felt counter-intuitive to step out of task mode and just be. But, more than anything, I have this feeling that this is going to be a long process for me. My typical nature is inclined towards being busy, and towards trying to multi-task because I want to accomplish so much. It felt a bit like interval training for me. Anyone ever do intervals while exercising? It is a process where you have a steady pace and then every so often, you kick it up a notch and move more quickly (with more intensity). It is supposed to accelerate how quickly you get into shape and give your workout an extra level of cardio and fat burning.

This is what it felt like for me, only in reverse. It felt like I was running fast, and then occasionally remembering to slow down. Then, I would start running again.

Another picture of how this felt was like a teenager learning to drive a car with a stick shift for the first time. Not smooth. Not fluid. Screech. Lurch. Jerk. Jerk. Lurch. Ow, my knee hit the dashboard. This is awkward. Okay, start the car, try again. Screech.

You get the picture.

Anyone else feel like this is going to be a long process?

One thing that encourages me to continue to cultivate this was watching the Oprah episode this past week about the mom who accidentally left her daughter in the car for her entire day at work. The shortened version of the story was that her husband usually dropped the kids at day care, but she needed to do it on this day. She was a Vice Principal of a middle school and it was the first day of school. A very busy day was looming. She went to drop her 2 year old off, but realized she was too early. Her baby was asleep in the car with her as she drove. She ran an errand (picked up donuts for her staff), and then got back on the road that she drives every day to work. She slipped into automatic mode and drove to work (forgetting that she still needed to drop sleeping baby off). Her mind was already 3 steps forward in her day. She got to work, headed inside and went about her day. She was sharing that even throughout her day she had a few conversations about her kids with co-workers, but never remembered that she had left her baby in the car.

I have absolutely NO JUDGEMENT for this mom! You can tell just from her interview that she is a loving mother, that she is a devoted mother. She was just busy. How tragic to realize at the end of your work day that your child has been baking in the car all day. Her baby was dead when she finally got out there (a co-worker spotted her in the car).

I have had moments of forgetting to snap my kids in their car seats. I know I could make this same mistake under the right pressure points. My heart breaks for this family.

But, I am reminded. There is always a cost to our busy-ness. We may not all experience something this costly, but there is a cost for each of us. We are a culture marked by a frantic, frazzled busy-ness. We move to music, we have gadgets in our hands or at our fingertips non-stop. I think sometimes we do not know what to do with ourselves, or our thoughts, in the absence of movement and motion and work. It will continue to be messy and a challenge, but I am in it for the long haul.

Giving Ourselves Permission

2008-09-26T14:10:00.000-07:00

I was chatting with my dear friend, Bonnie, last night. Bonnie is such a special gal in my life. The kind of person that comes along in just the right season for many, many purposes. She entered our life as a babysitter and has become a family member and sometimes a bit of a sage.

Anyway, we were doing our standard post-babysitting chat session the other night and talking about motherhood and blogging and other random subjects. Bonnie shared something that totally resonated with me. She was talking about how she had popped in on a friend to return something (background info = this friend is a mom, and bonnie is in the pre-mom stage). This friend was lying on the couch when Bonnie arrived, and quickly said, "Don't think I am a bad mom. I am just tired."

Bonnie recanted the story and then said, "I don't understand why moms feel that way. Who would ever think that someone is a bad mom for resting?"

I was nodding my head in agreement. Yeah, who would think that? How silly. But, then I stopped to think about it.... I feel this same guilt all the time. That is totally me! I really struggle with giving myself time to rest, to be still, to unwind, to enjoy "me" time that is "unproductive". Most moms I know feel the same way. And, I am not sure why. Maybe because we don't want to seem lazy. Maybe because we know that our to do list is miles long and if we are taking time out to "rest" we are neglecting important things on our list.

This is the other thing I know... that there are many days where I am so empty and running on mere vapors as I scurry about that I am of very little use to my family. Sure, I am getting things done. Sure, I am putting healthy and nutritious food on the table. Sure, I am wiping bottoms and picking up toys so that no one breaks their neck while scurrying from hither to yon. Sure, I am negotiating drama and flare ups over toys and "personal space". But, am I full of joy? Am I at peace in my soul? Am I teaching my kids how to live life with fullness and thankfulness and appreciation for all that surrounds us?

Am I rested?

I am many things, but rested is not one of them. And, I don't just mean "rested" as in I had a really good night of sleep. I mean the kind of rested where I have an abundance to give because I am filling my tank. Like in the airplane crash when you need to first put on your own oxygen mask and then help others. What good am I to those around me if I am suffocating because I am not taking the time to put on my own oxygen mask?

I want to work towards this. I want to be more aware of those moments where my soul and mind are crying out for time with God or just some moments of inactivity. I want to lean into those moments and soak it up like a child would cherish an ice cream cone, lick by messy lick.

I want to taste those drips of rest and giggle with delight knowing that life is more than accomplishing much. I want to give MYSELF permission to do this, because I know I am the one holding me back.

Anyone else struggle with this? Can we give ourselves a homework assignment {The Resting Challenge}, and over the next week try to integrate 15 minutes (at least) of our very own quiet time into our day. I would encourage those of us that blog to walk away from the computer in that time. Just go somewhere quiet. Be still. Sit. Daydream. Pray. Just be. Let's check back in with each other. I want to hear how this goes for you (what you did for those precious minutes, how it felt, if you felt guilty, if you felt thankful, etc.) I know it will be hard for me, so I am writing it here for accountability. I think that it would be pretty incredible if a generation of mamas chose to model peace and rest for their children.

(And, if someone asks you what you are doing ... Smile and say, "resting". No apologies needed.)

{Birthday Party in the Park}

2008-09-22T14:55:00.000-07:00

We recently celebrated my daughter's 5th birthday. You all know how I feel about my kids' birthdays. I am a big fan of these days - they are set apart for me as days marked by thankfulness and awe at the miracles that I have witnessed.

I am also just a bit of a very exciteable party planner! Truth is, I have always loved planning parties. I love the details, I love thinking up the menu, I love planning out decorations... I love all of it. But, I know there are plenty of people out there who don't. So, I am going to share what worked for me on this party so that hopefully some of these ideas could be borrowed by you. If you like to go all out, you can use them all. If you are just looking for a few little pieces of flair, just borrow one or two. Note: One of my goals in planning this was to use decorations that could be re-used, and to have "green" party favors.

[And, get ready to start sharing your party planning ideas or questions here, too. We have a "Celebrations" category in the works. (stay tuned for more on that one)]

{Party in the Park}

location: our house is teeny-tiny, and our "yard" is a 4 ft x 10 ft patio. So, we needed a location that we could borrow. We chose a community park with a great picnic area, beautiful grass for tromping, and a fun play area for any bored kids. I wanted to do this party in a location that anyone else could find too. (-Surely most of us have access to a backyard, or a park nearby.)

decorations:

I used the "Tissue Paper Pom Poms Kit" (or as my kids call them, "puffer flower balls") from Martha Stewart's craft kits. I got my kit at Wal-Mart and for $9 you can make 6 flowers (it is also available at most craft stores). I hung them from the tree branches at the park, but now they are hanging in my daughter's room from the ceiling. They are so cute! I think they would be divine above a baby's crib. They make the perfect decoration for an easter table, bridal shower, baby shower, birthday, etc. They are fairly easy to assemble. Just plan to sit still for a while (catch up on your tivo list).

{here are the puffer balls in the bedroom}
I also have a stash of random vintage sheets, oil cloth table cloths and large remnants of material that make the perfect tablecloths for parties such as these (see in the above photo of the puffer balls at the park). I keep them in a box in my garage and bust them out when needed. Saves me from having to buy those annoying plastic table cloths that never stay put. Start watching the Target dollar bins for their cheap vinyl or oil cloth tablecloths, and watch yard sales for vintage sheets and tablecloths too.

I borrowed Logan's "LOGAN" sign and little butterfly chain of decorations from her room to hang on the barn at the park.

I made this simple 5 out of some metal wire and then used floral tape and some random flowers growing in my little garden. It is really, really simple. Just twist the metal (I am not sure what the gauge is. It needs to be heavy enough to hold a shape, and I got my wire at Home Depot years ago.) into the shape you want. I have done a heart for bridal showers, a letter for the new last name at bridal showers, spelled out "baby" for a baby shower, and then of course other numbers for birthdays. Once you have your shape, just use little pieces of the green floral tape to attach the vines or flowers you are using to the wire and wrap the vines and flowers around it until the wire is covered.

I made the kids' desserts in these flower pots (they look like plants) so that they could multi-task as decoration on the table, and be a party favor for them to take home. (you will see how I put together the dessert below) It was a beautiful statement having them lined up in a long row along the tables. This would be another great idea for a shower decoration and dessert. The kids thought it was the silliest thing ever to be eating cake that looked like dirt. We threw a gummy worm onto each one right before we served them (and, of course we removed the flower and straw).

on the menu:

We enjoyed Go Roma's amazing multi-grain pasta, breadsticks, and whole-wheat pizza. They just added the whole-wheat option to their menu, and just added it to the kids' meals too. What a family-friendly restaurant this is! They really do make it a comfortable atmosphere for families to enjoy dinner out quickly (a value for families) without eating "fast food", and to be able to eat well at a great price. And, did you know that Go Roma has a "Kids Eat Free" deal for Sunday-Thursday evenings every week? That is amazing! And, if you want to use their food for a party like mine, they can deliver. The food arrives super hot in these heated bags and when you are ready to serve, you just unload it and viola, it is ready! We are big fans of Go Roma!

We had Honest Teas and Honest Ade options for adults and lots of Honest Kids thirst quencher pouches for the kids to enjoy!

The only food item I prepared was dessert.

The adults enjoyed this "Dirt Cake Surprise", which I made in this metal trough from Lowe's, and used a gardening trowel to serve it. (To see another fun use for this trough, check out Julie's craftiness at her blog.) I alternated layers of chocolate pudding, chocolate cake, pudding, chocolate cake, frosting, and then on top of the frosting a huge layer of crushed joe-joe cookies from Trader Joe's. Joe-Joe's are these amazing oreo-like cookies that Trader Joe's has that are sweetened with evaporated cane juice (instead of refined sugar) and have no partially hydrogenated oils. They are still a total treat, but one that you feel a bit better about eating (so you maybe eat twice as many?).

The kids each had their own individual cupcakes in these flower pots. They were really simple to make. I got my small flower pots at Lowe's (wash them before putting the cake inside). Here is how I assembled them:

and here is the finished product:

party activities:

free play - one of the best features of having a party at a park is that you really do not have prepare anything to keep the kids busy. There is nothing like wide open space and a fun play area to keep kids happy!

To go with the "outdoors"/"green" theme we had a "butterfly release". Butterflies are one of Logan's all-time favorite things, so it was a fun way to celebrate her too. Insect Lore has so many amazing kits (ladybugs, butterflies, tadpoles, etc...) to introduce kids to how bugs grow. We had their butterfly pavillion and 20 live painted lady butterflies that we released at the end of the party. This was certainly a huge highlight for the kids!

Most of the children (anyone who wanted to) were able to hold a butterfly for a while before they flew off into the sunset.

To do the release, we formed a very large circle and then talked about how butterflies start as caterpillars. I made the connection to Logan by sharing that she grew in my tummy until she was ready to come out.

Before we released the butterflies, I had Logan come into the middle of the circle and opened up a time of sharing affirmations for her. We do "Birthday Affirmations" in our family, and it was really precious to hear her little friends share things that they love about her (you can imagine, it was a lot of "I like Logan" and "Logan is a good friend" and even some "I am a good friend to Logan".) She was beaming!

parting gifts:

each little buddy took home a plant pot (after the kids finished dessert, we quickly dumped out the remnants so that they could take them home) and a "green beans plant kit" - a ziplock of soil and some green beans seeds. I only had to buy one bag of soil, and a couple of seed packets of Green Beans seeds. I then put about 6 seeds in the little coin envelopes from Staples and stamped them with "seeds". Fun for the kids to take home and try their hand at gardening. Maybe they will even eat the fruit of their labor.

they also got to take home their very own caterpillar in a necklace "locket" from Insect Lore. These are the coolest things! They come all sealed up with the caterpillar inside. There is food in the bottom for the caterpillar to eat and the kids get to watch the very hungry caterpillar eat and grow until finally, the caterpillar will climb to the top of the locket and form her chrysalis. The kids can literally take it with them anywhere they go.

{here you can see some of the party boys climbing with their lockets around their necks}

Once the chrysalis forms, mom can move the chrysalis into the little pop up tent (each family took one of these home) and after a few days, the butterflies emerge from their chrysalis. The kids get to keep the butterflies for a few more days (feeding them orange slices) and then they get to release them. I have seen a few of the kids since the party and they always run up to me and tell me what is happening with their bugs! Insect Lore is wonderful! It has become one of my favorite places to buy birthday and Christmas gifts for kids! Check them out. This was a really fun way to honor nature and let the kids take something home that is educational too.

{Reflection}

Overall, I would say that this party was a really special time. It was a gathering of some pretty terrific families, in a beautiful location that prompted a true spirit of celebration. Here are some parting snapshots. (By the way, most of these fabulous photos are courtesy of Dane Sanders, photographer extraordinaire! If you are a photographer, you should check out his new book!)

I hope some of these ideas will fuel a bit of inspiration for your celebrations! Feel free to share any ideas for backyard parties or parties in a park here in the comments.

{a sweet friend came bearing flowers for the birthday girl...his mama is training him well, don't you think!}

{Super Cute Headbands!}

2008-09-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

{Take a Bow is giving away these headbands! }

Go there, quick!

{A Blustery Sort of Fallish Day}

2008-09-20T20:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I long for 4 seasons. You know the ones James Taylor talks about when he says, "Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall. All you have to do is call..."

We have seasons here. But, they are really only marked by a slightly different change in temperature and holidays. We don't have 4 distinct seasons. Part of me is thankful and part of me wishes for changing leaves and flurries of snow.

But, I definitely appreciate the small taste of Fall we have gotten here in our new neighborhood. There is this "common green" area. The neighbors here call it "the greenbelt". Drew and I call it "the shire". We spend many afternoons out there with our little buddies, running, biking, climbing trees (we are mostly watching the buddies climb...that could be a bit awkward otherwise), having picnics under the very, very tall trees.

Just a few days ago we were making our way out to the shire. Logan was razoring. Callen and I were walking along, very far behind her because his little legs were moving slowly this day. All of the sudden I heard a loud scream from Logan -

"Mama! Oh Mama! Run here, quickly! You have to see this!"

I scooped Callen up and started to move more quickly because I was not quite sure if I should be excited or expecting some sort or peril.

It was exciting.

As I rounded the corner with Callen in my arms, I saw Logan sprinting towards the hugest pile of leaves. She was shouting, "Fall is here! Fall is here!"

We frollicked and played in the massive leaf pile for a very long time. (Total bonus that I do not have to rake these leaves!)

After dinner we returned with the camera and frollicked some more...

And then, there was this song about it...

And, once again, Callen at the end of the video is just too dang cute. Did you hear him sing, "I want to play that game."? He was looking at a board game sitting on the floor and that is what came out.

Oh, and yes, I do know that my hubby is amazing! Check him out on itunes (drew bray). He will make your day better.

Bring on the apple cider, Fall is Here!!!

Pinch Me!

2008-09-16T20:30:00.000-07:00

Seriously. Pinch me! Because this is the beauty that surrounds me every single day of my life. Here I have an insanely talented husband who sings all the time (who needs pandora when you have this guy strumming in the background and writing songs for you). Here I have my two beautiful children who are just too dang cute for words. Drew and Logan have this super fun tradition of singing songs together. Spur of the moment songs that they make up together. Here is one for your viewing pleasure. And, yes, I know that I am putting way too many videos on my blog. I know. It is crazy! I have been video happy lately, but they are too cute not to post.

Can you even handle it? What is Callen doing at the end of that song? I mean, we already know that he is up against some fierce competition, but what was that?

If your ears would like to enjoy more of Drew, visit his website, or buy his tunes on itunes. You will be stoked!

{Putting a Face on the Statistics}

2008-09-15T22:28:00.000-07:00

{these are two children who were rescued by IJM}

I recently had a very overwhelming experience. I was sitting in a crowded room listening to statistics about Human Trafficking. Statistics like these:

Worldwide, there are nearly 2 million children in the commercial sex trade.
There are approximately 600,000 - 800,000 individuals trafficked across international borders each year.
Approximately 80% of human trafficking victims are women, and 50% are minors.
Every 30 minutes someone is trafficked into the United States.

Gnarly statistics, right? Hard to hear and hard to read. I mean, who can smile while reading that every thirty minutes someone in trafficked into "the land of the free and the home of the brave"? That means that while watching an episode of Oprah, 2 people will have come into the US against their wills.

So, here I am in the crowded room hearing these statistics. Yes, they are crazy to hear and yes, they make me angry, but they are statistics. Numbers. Data.

But, something changed that. The fella reading these numbers then said, "I want to ask you to just sit and think about these numbers for a few minutes. Try to connect to the people that live in these numbers. See if you can empathize with them."

So, I sat. I am very passionate about human rights and social justice so I sat there thinking about the numbers and about how crazy it is that this exists. I do have to admit that while I am really passionate in this area, I can still feel numb while I hear stats like these. That is how I felt - numb. But then, I prayed. This was my prayer:

"God, help me to see this how you see it."

I sat for a couple of seconds with my eyes closed in silence. And then, my heart broke. Because I suddenly saw a face in my mind. It was the face of my daughter.

My precious daughter who is barely 5 and loves pink and delights in riding in the car with her window down and who just learned how to swim. And, I got it. These are all someone's children. These are all individuals who should be free to live life the best they can without someone abusing them and imposing horrible labor on them. I got this mental image of myself running up and down streets and screaming out my child's name. Frantic. Aching. Ready to cross the earth if that is what it would take to bring her back to me safely. Ready to take on the entire United Nations if that is what it would take for me to change the world's view on this issue.

"LOGAN!"

Can you hear me shouting? Because that would be me, all day long if my child was taken from me. I would be grabbing you by the shoulders and screaming into your face - "My baby girl. She was taken. She is being used as a sex slave. She is FIVE. Help me find her. Please, help me free her. Please, help me!"

Suddenly I knew the answer to my prayer. How God wants me to see this issue is as a mother who would fight for her child to be free. He wants us to be mothers that will fight for any child enslaved or abused to be free.

I would encourage you right now to take 30 seconds and pray that same prayer :

"God, help me to see this how you see it."

I have found the International Justice Mission to be an amazing site with so much information about how we can help. If you know of other ways that we can stand united for this cause, please share them here.

Oh, and I have started to pray this prayer every night. I realize it is kind of strange, but as I was praying that first night that I had my "Logan's face moment", these were the words that came out of my mouth and so I just keep praying them:

"God, please be with any of the children or individuals who are being held against their wills. Cover them with peace. And, please make the people who are imposing injustice on them desire to free them. Make them sick to their stomachs every time they eat. And, do not let them sleep another night until they free the people they are holding captive."

I know how insane I begin to feel without sleep. I hope that my prayer is answered.

Pray it with me?

Honk if you love...

2008-09-13T23:44:00.000-07:00

... summer (or fall) days at the beach!

We had a really fun day today at Doheny Beach in Dana Point. Logan and Callen had their very first surfing lessons with Drew and Uncle Troy. They LOVED it!

Here is some video footage of the kids in the water...

My Little Mermaid

2008-09-12T16:23:00.000-07:00

We are so proud of Logan. She has pushed really, really hard through her fears of water to learn how to swim! It is amazing that this is her after 7 days of lessons, when just two weeks ago she would not get water in her eyes!

Just in case you need a boost...

2008-09-12T16:13:00.000-07:00

Enough said!

Potty Mouth

2008-09-10T04:00:00.000-07:00

There is a big potty mouth in my house. It is my 2 year old son. It is all quite innocent, actually. He is just acquiring speech in an interesting way. Here are some of the things he is saying that make me giggle like a 12 year old in Sex Ed class.

[Well, I giggle when people aren't staring at me because my son is shouting obscenities. When we are in public and he is shouting these words, I repeat the correct pronunciation back very loudly, and sometimes add in my own explanation of why he is saying this word. But, I totally don't care what people think of me. Not at all.]

"peenus" = "peanuts"

Imagine your child shouting this as you pass the trail mix in Trader Joe's. He did it again today - "peenus. wook, mama, over dere. wots and wots of peenus."

"big wee-wee" = "big wheelie"

This is a character from the TV show "Bigfoot" on TLC. He is almost as obsessed with the characters on BigFoot as he is with the Cars characters. Callen often shouts, "Papa -mumble mumble - big wee- wee..." To which I reply, "Yes, Papa does like to watch Big Wheelie with you." Drew thinks it is is really funny to say instead, "Yes, he does." And then I say, "Child Protective Services."

"adjective (big, fast, tall, etc.) *uck" = "big, fast, tall, etc. truck"

On this one, I HAVE to respond, right? So, I say, "Yes, Callen, I see the big truck." Or, "I see the fast truck." But, you know those times when you are in a mommy fog and your child is playing the "repeating game"? You know the one. Where they say the same thing over and over again until you repeat it back. And, it gets louder and louder.

"Mama, I see a duck."
"Mama, I see a duck."
"Mama, I see a duck!"

"Oh yeah, I see the duck too."

And then, silence is restored. For two seconds.

Then, it starts again - "Mama, a red car!" ...

Well, one day this was happening and I repeated back what Callen said. Only, I repeated back what he said, not what he was TRYING TO SAY.

I replied, "Yes, Callen I see the fast *uck." [still in a daze]
Then, Logan said, "Silly mommy, that is not a *uck, it is a TRuck."
oops.

"I'm horny now!" = "I'm hungry now!"

This one makes me laugh especially hard, because he says it with a true whining/longing in his voice. And, he will just shout it from out of nowhere. I can be in my room getting ready to go somewhere and i hear:

"MAMA?!" (said with great urgency)
"yes, Callen," I call back.
"I'm horny now!"
"Okay, buddy." (muffled laughter from me)

**ssy = "Percy" (you know Thomas' green friend who chug-chugs along the track. I cannot even type out the "word" that Callen says without feeling like a potty mouth myself.)

I am giggling even now.

{and, yes, he does kiss his mother with that mouth}

Sisters

2008-09-09T04:00:00.000-07:00

I stumbled into a blogging worm hole the other day. It is the most tragic and beautiful hole to tumble down. There is this beautiful blogging mother of 4 delicious children who has been keeping her own blog for a while called The NieNie Dialogues. It is almost as though you are reading an infomercial about motherhood and being a wife when you read it. She makes it look that good. Gratitude and grace seep out of her narrative. She adores her husband ( "Mr. Nielson" is what she calls him throughout her entire blog), the true man of her dreams and apparent soul mate. "Where is the tragedy?", you ask. This beautiful mother and her Mr. Nielson were in a plane crash in August and they are both in very, very serious condition. She has burns over 80% of her body. He has burns over 50% of his body.

80%?

I read through her entire blog last night. Because I know about her current condition, I could not help but weep through the entire thing. Here I am reading about this mother's love for her family and husband, and reading about how she delights in her children and family, knowing that she is separated from them, unable to care for them, and in an induced coma. What went through her head as the plane went down? Was she at peace or did she fight her way out to see her babies again? She is certainly fighting now. The photos of her show how incredibly beautiful she is. It pains me to think of her in her hospital room wrapped up like a mummy. But, the beauty that you read in her words, that is her beauty still. And, when I think of her children -- how are they processing being in the presence of this woman who has been their ever present source of love and nurture, and then suddenly not. What must it feel like for them to not only be without their parents, but also to have moved from their home in Arizona to Utah at the blink of an eye? Oh, how my thoughts and prayers are with this family.

But, her story is still being told. Her sister, Jane (who is such an amazing writer as well!), is now taking care of her children for her. Jane, who had one little baby in her brood, now has her sister's children and the way that she chronicles all that is going on is so, so beautiful. I love the way she talks about her sister. She wrote this:

I ended the day talking to Mom in Mesa while watching the steady rain fall underneath the street lamp from my front window. Mom is weary even though all is going as expected. Christian is healing well. Steph's progress is slow.

"Remember to be grateful for the Lord every day of your life." She said to me in a tired voice.

Just before I sat down to write I double checked all of my babies. I kissed each one and whispered a little secret in their ear. The Chief was sleeping mouth opened wide. I stood and watched him for awhile.

"It was a nice day." I whispered out loud in the quiet nursery.

"Indeed it was." I felt Steph reply back.

This hits me hard. I have a big sister that I adore. I cannot help but think about her as I read about this family. I don't want to ever, ever lose my sister. She has been my sister my whole life. Always there to pick me up, to help me with whatever I need help with. To listen to me cry. To encourage me in my life, marriage and parenting. She is the friend I have had longest in my life. We will still be skinny dipping on our last night of summer vacation when we are old and wrinkled and our boobs are hanging down to our belly buttons. We will be up all night, together, the night before our daughters' weddings, crafting away and tying ribbons, I am sure. We will be standing hand in hand someday when we say good bye to our parents. I cannot imagine a scenario in life without her nearby. I know that I would also run to scoop up her babies if anything happened to her. And, I know she would do the same for me.

So, this is my prayer: Please, God, keep my sister safe. Let us grow old together. And, hold this family in the palm of your hand. I pray for hope. For healing. And, for these 4 little children, that they would be covered by peace that surpasses all understanding. Would you rest Your hand upon their heads and comfort them in the absence of their parents? Would you whisper words of hope and joy in their ears and keep fear and insecurity far, far away from their hearts and minds? I know that these parents have worked hard to build a foundation of strength and hope in these precious souls. Redeem that work now, please. I pray for Jane, that you would give her strength as she cares for these precious souls.

Oh, how I ache for these sisters. Oh, how I ache for this family. Scroll down to see their beauty! And, please, please go to their blogs: Jane's & NieNie's. You will immediately want to go and wrap your children in the warmest hug humanly possible.

{You can donate to help out this family. (click on the Nie recovery button above) And, you can pray! Pray, mamas, pray. Pray, sisters, pray.}

My Favorite Days

2008-09-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

Birthdays are a big deal around here. My kids pretty much talk about their upcoming birthdays all year, starting a day or so after their birthday takes place. It is often the chosen topic of conversation in the car, in the bath, at the

breakfast table, on the potty...you get my drift.

My son and daughter share a bedroom and the other night I lingered outside their bedroom door to listen to their chatter for a few minutes. This is what I heard:

Callen: "Ummm, Logan (lo-gan)?"
Logan: "Yes, Callen."
Callen: "Ummm, at
my birfday. ughlhdsgldshgdlksh [mumbling noises] Queen cake. No, pink cupcakes. Sprinkles."
[it is totally okay for a 2 year old little boy to love the book "Pinkalicious"!!]
Logan: [repeating back what he was trying to say] "At your birthday you want a Queen cake or pink cupcakes with sprinkles? I want a big cake with pink flowers on it. And sprinkles. Or, cupcakes. No, a big cake, with roses. Or a doggy cake..."
Callen: "Oh. Cake is yummy. I wike it."

... And, on and on it went. The prelude to their dreams is a birthday cake discussion. Nearly every night. Sometimes they change it up and talk about what "kind" of party they want to have. It's their hobby.

I am a big fan of birthdays & parties in general. I love hosting them, planning them, lying awake at night planning out all sorts of details (my kids must get it from me). I have a binder that I keep all sorts of ideas for decorations and party gifts and themes in (grown up people parties and kids parties). Yes, you could say I am a gal who likes dreaming up parties. I like celebrating holidays and birthdays. But, I LOVE celebrating my kids' birthdays. I love making a big deal of these days. Not a big deal in the sense of renting out Disneyland and hiring Jack Johnson to do the music, but a big deal in my own way. I love the idea of a day set apart to make them feel special....to let them choose what to have for dinner (its always Oatmeal Pancakes)...to savor the moment where the candles burn brightly in front of their puckered lips. It is the very essence of childhood and magic on display!

I also see these days as huge markers in my own life. Two days where a true desire of my heart was fulfilled. You see, I was not "supposed" to have these babies. I had this surprise pregnancy years ago, and then had a miscarriage 11 weeks into it. We were devastated. Super sad to lose this little baby that we were already so in love with. So, we started trying to conceive again. Trying and trying and trying and trying. We tried everything - ate certain foods, stayed out of hot tubs, ovulation kits, certain positions, me lying on the bed for an hour after "consumation" with my toes pointed to the ceiling. I am sure many of you know that position well. And, while it seemed that all the tips and tricks were working for EVERYONE around us trying to conceive, it was not happening for us. We finally found ourselves sitting in a place we never imagined we would be...

... The Infertility Specialist's Office ...

And, after a series of incredibly humbling tests (for both of us, finally, it was for both of us), we were given this news:

"You have a 1% chance of conceiving naturally. I recommend IVF."

One percent. Such a small number. Barely there. One. Percent.

I do think that my heart stopped for just a second. I remember the shock passing over my body and then a whole new wave of grief and anger passing over me. That baby that we had conceived was a miracle. Why, God? Why take that one away? Why give us a taste?

There were so many days that were so full of emotion and struggle for me. Baby showers were especially hard. Sometimes I could make it, sometimes I just could not. Seeing moms walking down the street with strollers quickly caused me to look away and focus on something else. Anything else that could distract me from the sad reminder of what I was not. I can remember one specific moment when I was walking through a Target store and I happened to be passing through the babies' clothing section. I caught a glimpse of the sweetest little dresses for a baby girl and my knees literally went weak. I remember not being able to stop the tears from streaming down my face as I made my way out of the store, shopping cart and errands abandoned because I was so overcome by sadness in that moment. The longing was too intense for me to ignore. I sat in my car and cried and sobbed and did not care that people passing by my car could probably hear me.

My beautiful nephew was born a few hours shy of my 25th birthday. My amazing sister pursued a natural childbirth with a vengeance and asked me if I would be her coach. What a bitter-sweet day that was for me. I remember watching her push through her contractions. It felt like we were under water because time was moving so slowly. I could not wait to meet this child, but I also could not stop the refrain of thoughts that were rolling through my head and heart - "I may never have this... I may never get to experience this... Oh God, please let me do this..." After my nephew was born, my sister held him in her arms and in the presence of my parents, her husband and myself, broke the awe-filled silence by singing "Happy Birthday" to him in a hushed, whispery voice. She gazed at him with perfect love. Undying love. "I will walk through fire for you" kind of love. None of us had dry eyes. And, I knew in that moment that my parents cried for two reasons, just like I did. I had never felt so empty as I did in that moment. I drove the hour and a bit from the hospital to my house (it was now my birthday) and I cried the entire way home. I cried. I pleaded. Like the psalmists, I poured out my sorrow, anger, fear, hopes and dreams to God.

"You are big enough to do this. I believe that you can do this. Be willing, please, God, be willing."

I remember walking up the stairs in our condo from our entrance to the main part of the house where my precious husband had lit a candle for me on every step and left an affirmation next to each one. There were 25 - one for every year of my life. The last one on the top step said, "I love you for the mother you WILL be." We were clinging to hope. But, I was living in grief.

Then, came the surprise of my two pregnancies. Both, total miracles, both total surprises, 2 1/2 years apart. Each pregnancy was a bit rocky with major insecurity on my part. I started having contractions at 20 weeks with my daughter and was placed on bed rest. Small price to pay. We have friends whom we love dearly who lost their baby 3 days before the due date. It just felt so fragile.

I was not worried so much about the pain in labor, as I was worried that something would happen in the midst of it that would result in me leaving the hospital with empty arms. I can remember feeling like I could finally exhale the moment that they handed my sweet baby girl to me. She was out. She was safe. She was alive. She was MINE. I have never enjoyed the "Happy Birthday" song as much as I did on that day. I still get teary when I sing it to my kids.

These birth days - these days that mark two of the most glorious days of my life - are days for me to remember that I have witnessed a miracle. Twice. I don't ever want to forget that my God intervened and answered my prayers. I don't ever want to forget that there are women out there who are holding back their own tears. It is good to be reminded. I think about the day Kristen's son's adoption was finalized, and it held much of the same feeling. This child whom she dearly loves is hers. Yes, to hold loosely. But, entrusted to her. Here in the flesh, not just in our dreams. We are women who realize that we are blessed to walk this road, regardless of how we made it onto this road.

{this is me holding Logan on her birth-day & the angels were singing along with us in heaven}

{here Logan and I are holding Callen on his birth-day & once again the angels are singing with us}

For any of you mamas who are in the midst of processing loss or a longing yet unfulfilled, I am so sorry. There is not much else to say but that. I hope for you for as many children as your heart desires.

Honk if you love...

2008-09-07T04:00:00.001-07:00

Shows!

You know, the ones where you have to sit down on the couch and watch singing and/or dancing? I have three "performers" in my home. My hubby is one, and he is a very talented musician. He works a day job, but his passion is singing and songwriting. You can see him here and here. (If you do not own his music, you should totally buy it. It is amazing. Available on his site, or on itunes. [Search for: "Drew Bray"] It will brighten your day.)

The other two performers in my home are Logan and Callen. And, while they both pour their hearts into their "performances", it seems to me that maybe one of them got more of papa's music gene. I will let you be the judge of this one...

Here is Logan doing a show for me (just freestyling some sort of melody, please take note of all the dramatic "flair")...

And here is Callen doing his "show":

Hmmmmm...

It is something only a mother could love. Got any shows on your blogs or you tube that you can share with me?

I heart Ikea.

2008-09-07T04:00:00.000-07:00

Oh how I love Ikea. It is one of my favorite places to go with my kids. On weekdays. Weekends it is way too crazy. But, weekdays are lovely. We can cruise the wide aisles of the store and take a rest on the couches in the middle when we get tired. We can eat breakfast for .99 and enjoy the kids' play area for free. It is always the place to go when I am planning a party, need candles or organizing stuff. But, today I love Ikea for another reason. It allowed me to make a table for my entry way for $45. I have been shopping for one and could not bear to part with $200 for a table from Target, Cost Plus, Pottery Barn or Crate and Barrel. That is way to much money for something that just needs to hold my keys and fill a little space.
I found these desk legs at Ikea and I love the modern/vintage vibe to them. The stainless steel is sleek, but the curvy lines are feminine and funky. They are $10 each.

I got a 2 in x 12 in plank of wood from Lowe's that they cut to the measurements that fit my space for me. Took it home and beat it up with my hammer to distress it a bit. Kind of fun. Then, I stained it with dark espresso stain...only took 2 coats and about 5 minutes with each coat.

Drew and I screwed the legs onto the plank and that part took about 1 minute per leg.
Here it is... I dig it. It is one of my favorite pieces right now.

From the side, it has this curvy vibe going for it...

I love putting stuff together that is rustic/distressed and sleek and shiny. Kind like our lives, right? Oh, and the big lanterns were in the summer clearance section for $4 each. Score!

I have seen in the Ikea catalogue that they have the same legs in 17 inch height. How cute would they be on a rustic plank of wood for a bench? Maybe a vintage blue or torquoise color distressed a bit...

Nesting is fun.

The Awkward Garage Sale

2008-09-06T00:11:00.000-07:00

[This is not my husband in the photo. He is definitely too excited about the garage sale to be Drew.]

The weekend before we moved we had a really awkward garage sale. [When are they not awkward?] But this one was especially awkward because I came down with some sort of throwing up thing the night before the sale. I still do not know if it was food poisoning or the result of me eating an entire crop of asparagus. It was just so good. My favorite way to prepare asparagus used to be to clean it, trim the stalks and lay it on aluminum foil. I would drizzle some olive oil over it, sprinkle some lemon pepper and kosher salt on it and then wrap it up in the foil. Toss it on the grill for about 5 -8 minutes and it is so tasty. That was my favorite way. Now, I cannot even think about placing it in my shopping cart. Kind of like when you are pregnant and you throw up a banana. Or some sort of milk product. You are done with that food item for a while. I broke up with asparagus.

So, there we were driving home from an impromptu bbq at Mark & Kristen's and I had the platter of leftover grilled asparagus on my lap and I just kept eating stalk after stalk. Drew even looked at me with a weird look on his face and said, "Man, you are really going to town on that." (Something he usually says to me while I am inhaling chocolate covered almonds, or a pint of ice cream. Usually it is said with a knowing look, because we both love our treats even though we try to eat really healthy. This time he was confused by his wife eating asparagus as though it is drizzled with chocolate.)

I said, "I know. I just can't stop eating it. It tastes so good!" Oh how I wish I had. I am forever ruined on asparagus. I can barely type these words without gagging. I was up all night next to the toilet. Hugging the toilet. Begging for mercy from the sweet Lord in heaven. Oh the darkness of my soul, please stop the madness.

So, garage sale day arrives and I am done for. And, that is a huge problem because Drew as "garage sale manager" is hopeless. Absolutely hopeless. If we were on The Apprentice and there was a garage sale task, he would be fired for sure. Here are some reasons why he is so terrible at garage sales:

-People walk up and he says things like, "We are just selling our old stuff. It is going to Good Will later." (it is quite obvious by the very nature of the "stuff on the sidewalk" that it is not precious to us, but he clearly gives away the fact that he's not really expecting high dollar offers)

-As someone comes up to buy something and says, "Will you take $5 for all of this?", he says, "Why don't we just do $4, and if you want those children's books over there you can have them too."

-He cannot make eye contact with anyone foraging in our stuff.

-What he really wants to say to every person who walks up is: "Please. I am going to turn my head. Please load as much of this crap into your car as you can while I look away. And then, after you leave, call all your friends and tell them to come and take as much stuff as they can."

-And if anyone offers him a 25 cents or a dime for something, he actually looks like he might start crying, it is just too much for him to handle to take "change" from someone. It goes against everything in him to reach out and accept their change.

He feels uncomfortable and awkward the entire time. Usually I am okay at garage sale-ing. I will talk to people about stuff. I am not pushy. I do not approach people unless they look like they want me to. I will show them how things work and prove that they function. And, I will almost always accept whatever price they offer (I sold my kitchen aid stand mixer for $25). It really is the stuff that is on the way to the goodwill and they are saving us the trip, but if I am going to sort through stuff and label stuff and put signs on corners and sit in my front yard all day, I am going to try and make something.

But, this time, I was so out of it. Why I did not just go lay in bed and be sick like normal people is beyond me. I think it was because I talked Drew into having this garage sale. I felt obligated. He kept telling me to go to bed. I just couldn't. Instead, I would sit in the beach chair looking half dead. At one point I was so tired that I just layed down on the driveway. Face on warm cement. I am sure people were enticed by that.

"Oh look, honey, a garage sale."

"Slow down, I want to see if they have any good stuff. Yep, I see a bike...a kitchen aid mixer...a tent... Oh, is that woman sleeping on the ground? Keep going, she is probably drunk. Go. Go. Go. Honey, hurry, before the kids see her..."

The normal awkwardness of people picking up your stuff, looking it over and then walking away and rejecting your junk was totally trumped by the awkwardness of my husband who feels awkwardly awkward at garage sales and his awkwardly ill wife lying on the pavement.

Awkward.

Any awkward garage sale memories you need to get off your chest? I told Drew the other day that I think the next Christopher Guest "mockumentary" movie (like Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show, This Is Spinal Tap) should totally be about Garage Salers. I would share my idea with Christopher Guest. For 20% of the profits. No, wait, we want to entice him. 10% of the profits! [See, I am a good haggler.]

[By the way, if you have never seen Waiting for Guffman, you are missing out on something glorious. Especially if you like The Office. If you watch it, or if you are a fan, please come back here and tell me what your favorite Corky line is. Mine is, "You are bastard people." You can watch it below. If that doesn't entice you, I do not know what will.]

un-pause

2008-09-05T23:28:00.000-07:00

Wow. How time flies. Was my last post on this thing really in JUNE? I have lots of excuses:

-We moved. Packing. Sorting. Garage sale-ing [totally a word!]. Purging. Unpacking. Sorting. Nesting. Exploring.

-I had a birthday.

-Drew had a birthday.

-We went on vacation.

-We had our 10 year wedding anniversary. Incredible.

-Logan had a birthday.

-There is this thing called "Mama Manifesto" that sucks up every ounce of my free time. Every. ounce. I do not know how you blogging people maintain more than one blog and post every day. (and by "people" I mean Kristen.).

So, enough with the excuses. I am back and I want to try and diligently post at least a few times a week here.

There is so much good stuff going on in our lives, but I want to devote this post to updating on the move.

Here is my perspective on the last few months...

All of it is good. I can totally see God's hand in how he has led us to this place and I am so thankful. We are learning so much. Truly, I do not miss my old house. I miss a couple of features. The back yard is one such feature. Sure was nice to send the kids out to romp around while I fixed dinner. But, on the flip side it sure is nice to maintain only a 10 foot by 2 foot planter. Seriously, it is nice. I also miss my kids being in their own rooms. They wake up earlier and take a bit longer to nod off, but it is actually really sweet to see them living in "community". They LOVE it. Oh, and I miss my beautiful dark wood floors that were hand distressed and so stinking easy to care for. The flooring here is driving me mad. Absolutely bonkers. Two minutes after I mop it looks all footprinty and smudgy. And, it is cherry flooring so it gives off this pinkish hue. Logan loves it.

One thing that I have recognized is that God has taught us to live in today. To focus on our daily bread. Especially when we were in the midst of trying to sell, stressing over whether we would be able to make our mortgage payments as the market plummeted further and further down. What a perfect time for us to learn this principle. And, how freeing this principle is. Look at today. Do the best with what you have today. Love your kids today. Eat the food you have today. Pay the bills you can pay today.

It defies the planner in me. But, it has been so very good. And the result has been that we have learned what it is like to be at peace while you are in the midst of a storm. You see the waves coming - oh, but those are tomorrow's waves and I am here in today.

We are also seeing so much joy flow through our family as we choose to be thankful. I don't miss my old house because I am choosing to live with my eyes open wide to all that is lovely and amazing around me. I love the trees in our neighborhood and constantly say it outloud because it just makes me feel more joyful, more thankful. And more joyful and more thankful means less resentful. There is no room for resentfulness in this thankful heart.

And, I have got to say, the purging, oh the sweet purging! It is so good. If I were suddenly made president of the United States, I would institute a "National Day of Purging" where everyone goes through their home and gets rid of stuff that they do not wear, use, touch, fit in, or even look at. This country would be a happier place. You just "feel" lighter. I got rid of so many toys. My kids have not even noticed. Boxes and boxes of nick-nacky framey kind of stuff that did nothing but clutter up my world. In this small space it is really imperative that we have as much clear and open space as possible. And, even though we have moved from 3 bedrooms to two, it all feels bigger. Go, purge!!! You will feel so good.

I feel thankful to be renting. Thankful for less stuff. Thankful to be in a less stressful place financially. Thankful to be in our safe neighborhood. Thankful for all the trees around us. Thankful for the bike paths. Thankful for the great schools. Thankful for the smaller house. Thankful to be with my family. Just thankful.

While we were away on vacation, dear friends of ours stayed in our house. They are an amazing family with 4 kids, aged 3 - 10. That is a whole lot of kid-ness (uh uh, it is too a word) packed into this bite sized house. Their house was having a bit of work done and the timing was perfect for them to stay here. Here is a family with an awesome 5 bedroom home, amazing backyard with a play structure, and play room in their home. Their oldest child, a girl, mentioned to her mom that she loved being in our little house more than their big house because it meant that the family was all together. She said, "Sometimes, in our house, I miss everyone." I think she is probably right. I keep reminding myself that I am thankful to be bumping elbows with this crew I have under my roof.

This is hard.

2008-06-10T19:28:00.000-07:00

I remember a Friends episode where Chandler had this really funny line where he pointed to one side of himself and said, "Rock." Then, he pointed to the other side of himself and said, "hard place." Then he pointed to the middle of the two sides and said, "me." It was a true Chandler moment in the way he delivered that line, it makes me giggle just thinking of it now.

But, I am living the Rock. Hard place. Me. life right now and there is nothing funny about it. We have been long praying as a family about what it could look like for us to simplify. To live more simply. To live on a smaller budget. To live at a slower pace. For a while it looked like we may move away from the Southern California area that we know and love to find this "simplicity". We visited Austin, Tx. We liked Austin, TX. We thought that Austin could be the answer to our question of "How to find simplicity?"

Oh boy, were we wrong. We are still here and we are definitely drawing nearer to what looks like simplicity. But, it is a totally different shape and form than I imagined in my mind. I was picturing simplicity as a big house with lots of space for my dreamy craft room and play room and big back yard with a prairie full of flowers and neighbors who know and love me .... yadda yadda. I love homes! I am a true Home-Maker. I skip from the mail box to the kitchen on the day that my home magazines arrive. I sit on the couch during quiet time with my cup of tea and read every page, pulling out pages that give me inspiration for my current home, or for any future home I may ever have. I love hosting parties and throwing showers for people in my home. So, the big home in Austin with the more simple mortgage was seeming pretty lovely.

What I can see now is that God has been leading us on a very long journey. He has placed these desires in our hearts for... a slower pace ... knowing our neighbors ... living within our means ...

Not only did He place these desires on our hearts, but He began to shake things up a bit for us in a way that has made it quite uncomfortable. My husband lost a significant chunk of monthly income. The housing market (where we own TWO homes) has crashed and caused us to quickly respond by trying to sell both of our homes (that I have poured by heart and soul into creating) for less than they are worth.

We are about a week and a half away from moving out of our home into a rental. A small rental. With two bedrooms. My kids are going to share a room and my "dreamy Austin craft room" will be relegated to a corner of the garage. My dreamy prairie of a back yard is soon to be a small courtyard patio with a lot of dirt just waiting for me to cultivate.

But, it is simple. It is what we can afford. My kids are really excited about sharing a room. We will be 3 streets away from our dearest friends in the whole world. There is a green belt less than 100 yards from our front door with ample prairie-ish space for the kids to run and play and roll down hills. We are cleaning out our home and pairing down to the stuff we really need. Packing only the items that mean something to us.

And, though I can see that the very hand of God is leading us down this path, it is a very Rock. Hard place. Me. moment. It feels a bit like part of me is being stripped away. I realize it is the part of me that places identity in my stuff, in how my home appears, and in the goal of being a good steward. It feels kind of foolish to be in the position that we are in. Kind of humiliating. It is all fun and games to sell your home to move to something bigger, better, far away and exciting. It is not as much fun to sell your home to move into a smaller, older, less better kind of place. I have moments where I cannot stop the tears from falling because it is a bit painful. I am mourning the loss of our home, and the loss of the dream of the beautiful family in the beautiful house. But, deep, deep down, I feel this sense of peace. This true peace in my core and I know that this is where we are supposed to be. That this is what it looks like to have my prayers answered. That this is what it looks like to learn to be thankful.

And, watching it all through my kids eyes brings me back to reality. They do not care about which house is theirs, and whether or not the kitchen cabinets are white or 80's oak colored. What they care about is the fact that we are together, that they are together, and that their blankies are coming with us.

And the ponies. And the toy cars.

A beautiful family in the midst of beautiful life.

Simplicity.

hello "peace", nice to meet you

2008-05-25T21:54:00.000-07:00

I have a bit of a split personality. I think that if you asked many of the people who know me well to list some descriptive words for me that what you would first hear are words like, "creative", "kind", "wise", and then they would maybe use a word like, "mellow", "peaceful", "chill". But, really, in actuality I have historically been one of the least peaceful people that I know. I am a planner. I am the one with the Plan A, Plan B and Plan C all mapped out and ready to go. I am the mom with the diaper bag at all times. I have a hard time sitting still in my own home. I am drawn to do dishes, to start a load of laundry, to sweep up the leaves on the patio that are being tracked into the house on little feet, to "quickly" re-paint every frame in my house a new color, or to "quickly" sew a new duvet real fast, etc. (You can imagine the look on my husband's face when he wanders into the garage and sees me laying all the frames onto the floor. At 11 PM.) This is me.

I sometimes feel my heart racing and don't really know why. It takes me a very long time to fall asleep at night because my mind is racing with thoughts, plans, worries, notes to self. I have almost abandoned the idea of "napping" entirely because it takes me so long to fall asleep. If I am able to dose off during my kids' naps/resting time, it will most likely be at the tale end of their resting time and I will be awakened very near to the first moment I actually drift off. This is me.

The split personality, though, is that I actually am a pretty chill person. I enjoy leisurely conversations. I love long, lazy days at the beach. I adore curling up with a good book and losing myself in the pages of the narrative. I speak with a soft voice and have a pretty long fuse of grace. I probably look kind of peaceful from the outside. It is inside that I am racing at the speed of light. A dear friend of mine who has a similar personality describes herself as a duck who appears to be gliding peacefully across the water, but under the water the duck is paddling its legs frantically to move through the water. It is my soul that is the least peaceful part about me.

Kind of sad, right? Here is the good news. Awareness. I am becoming aware and I am seeing what I am missing. This journey called life that I am on is taking me through some terrain that is forcing me to beckon peace to the very doorstep of my soul. And, it is so very good to meet this thing called peace. I am learning to choose to sit still instead of busily working out my plan A's through K's. [Most often, even after all that strategizing and planning, an entirely different thing will work itself out and all the time and energy I spent on the planning just floats away.] I am learning that FOR ME, having peace is connected to gratitude. If I can sit back and begin to think of how God is providing for me daily (in huge ways and tiny ways), then I remember WHO He is ...

Faithful

Provider

Loving

Wisdom

Healer

Miracle worker

Maker of the heavens and the earth

And, I am able to trust who He is and all that He promises. That takes away my motivation to figure it all out for myself.

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." -John 14:27

His peace has been given. I picture this tangible thing that Jesus left for me! Like someone leaving a home that they visited with a parting gift. Like how we leave yummy kitchen candles for our friends; Jesus leaves some peace.

"Here you go. Thanks for all the hospitality. Here is My peace."

And, not just "peace", but "MY PEACE". The peace of the Lord Jesus Christ Himself. The peace that allowed Him to put up with the disciples who just did not "get it" over and over again! The peace that allowed Him to sleep amidst the crazy storms on the boat, while His disciples were shrieking like little girls in the dark! The peace that allowed Him to proceed down the path towards death and painful crucifixion, even though it was not what He wanted. The peace that comes from knowing the Father and angels by name!

... His Peace ...

... is mine ...

He commands me in that verse to not let my heart be troubled.

Easier said than done, especially in the mind of Ali Bray. But, okay. I won't. Thank you for sharing your peace with me, Jesus. If I had to choose the parting gift myself, that would perhaps not be the choice I would make. I could see me leaving Love, or Joy, or Grace. But, I want to be calm in the storms, and able to walk willingly into the biggest and most painful trial I could ever face. I want to trust You so much that I just know that each step that I take will be met by the place in the road that you have prepared for me. Even the pot holes.

Help my unbelief.

Philippians 4:4-9 says:

Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

- I love that it is the peace that comes from praying and practicing this gratitude that guards our hearts and minds!

-My part is clear : to pray and petition with thanksgiving. For it is when I am thankful, and when I begin to remember all that You have done on my behalf and in Your word {You are the same yesterday, today and forever} that I can trust You with my whole heart. I can then petition and pray in view of your mercy and power, knowing that You will lead me each step of the way.

It will take me a lifetime to get this down. But, it is already shaping my soul.

I am thankful.

Who Am I?

2008-05-23T16:37:00.000-07:00

My name is Ali. I have two beautiful children - my miracles. I have a pretty fabulous husband - we started out as friends (the best way to start, in my opinion), and then became college sweethearts. He is a musician, and our home is blessed to have him often in the background singing & creating melodies. It seems to be rubbing off on the kids - a good thing, indeed.

I guess I would categorize myself as a "mostly stay at home mom/work at home mom". I have another site that is a collaboration with some pretty amazing mamas.

I am contemplating home schooling. We'll see what happens come fall. I never thought I would type those words.

I am most myself when I have a chance to exercise both my body and my creative energy.

Things I love:

the title "mom" the sound of laughter beauty in nature long walks

my sister coffee cooking freshly baked bread interior design

vacation time with my family Deep Creek Lake, Maryland time with friends

reading to my children healthy food organic going slowly

stopping to smell the flowers trees sand between my toes running

the smell of rain time with God the sound of rain on a tin roof

creating new things out of old things the color torquoise anthropologie

reading naps movies sunny days picnics my brother

most things vintage Europe farms wide open spaces

starry nights my parents photography chocolate writing

leaning into life my apron my vintage wedding ring

the color green the gratitude revolution that is shaping my life

Why "leaning in and looking up"?

I started this blog when we were going through a pretty tough season. We were hit incredibly hard by the economy, and it literally felt like I was being stripped of so much of what had been my daily life. So much was out of my control and I felt really anxious about where we were at, and even more so, about the future. What I knew was that what was in my control was how I responded. I had a choice in how I would respond - I could move forward with fear, anxiety, and bitterness, or I could lean into what I knew to be true - that God has always provided for me every step of my life. I begin to pray for "daily bread" - emotional, physical, spiritual daily bread. I also began to fight to dwell on everything I had to be grateful for. It had to be a conscious decision - a choice to dwell on the lovely in every moment. Yes, we were losing our home. Yes, I was selling my furniture to come up with my first month's rent for a house that would be 1/2 the size of what we were in. BUT, when I looked up and took in my surroundings I saw two beautiful, amazing children who were healthy. I saw my husband, my best friend, and I knew that together, the four of us were home no matter where we slept at night.

Choosing gratitude has revolutionized my life. I cannot tell you the peace that I began to feel in that season - peace that was unexplainable. I had mind like water - each pebble life through into my mind's pond, would splash, and then send out it's slow ripples, but then my pond would settle back again into a peaceful stillness.

Looking up - whether it was at my gorgeous children, or up at the sky, trees, flowers, waves crashing, or a sunset - allowed me to remind my head and heart of the power and creativity of God. If I want to trust God with my tomorrow then I know that I need to remind myself why He is trustworthy. If I can remind myself of who He is - then there is very little wondering left as to whether He can handle what is happening in my life now.

I continue to choose gratitude ...

It is my hope that I will lean fully into every season of life I am blessed to enjoy.

It is my hope that in the times of sorrow or anxiety, I will lean into the peace and hope that God faithfully promises me.

It is my hope that in times of joy and abundance, I will lean fully into gratitude and thankfulness.

If ever I doubt that my whole world rests in His hands, I simply have to pause & look up - I will see the sky, the branches and leaves, and most compelling in my world - the faces of my two beautiful children that are miraculous evidence of God's power to create beauty from ashes.

This is where I will share my story. I will rant. I will ramble. I will dream. Hopefully the refrain that will weave its way through all of it will be gratitude.